Life's Ironies

Sometime ago, PS penned a really melancholic entry on her blog. It brought back lots of memories, especially those back in sec schools. I actually went to dig out this little book of mine that contained the lyrics to the chinese pop of yesteryear. I'm feeling melancholic again tonight, after a dinner with my peer group.

2 of my peers are leaving for OZ come end June. They'll be gone for 2 years, doing the CA program over there. Our mentor is leaving for London to further his career too. I was surprised at my own action of organising this dinner gathering. But I really feel a lost at them leaving. I'm so going to miss them all. My mentor had lent a good listening ear and also provided me with sound advice all this while. One of my peers, I already knew her back in college. She never fails to crack us up with her 欠便问答题. Her wit and humor... there's no one else like her. As the night wore on, I felt a tinge of sadness. The camaraderie that we share, I don't know if I can find that anywhere else. There is no other job around where you have a large cohort of colleagues who're your age and fellow frens from college. The kind of comfortable feeling one gets in this kind of environment is just great. I know this is going to be the greatest thing I miss should I choose to leave.

Why do I have a choice to leave? I had just gone for another interview earlier on in the morn, a really long one. In the evening, I was contacted and verbally offered the position. I was shocked! I hadn't expected that I would be hearing from them, let alone hear from them on the same day! I was hoping they would only get back to me sometime next week, which leaves me some time to think through what my interviewer had told me. But they're really efficient. The pace of events for the day has simply been too fast for me. I finally got the chance to try something that I would really like to try. But I'm afraid - fear of the unknown. I'm afraid of office politics, I'm afraid that at the end of the day, it’s not the job I'm looking for, I'm afraid that I can't measure up in the organization and most importantly, the fear of failing and not knowing what next. I’m worrying too much, giving myself unnecessary stress even before I start. But its perhaps I’ve always set very high yet unachievable goals for myself.

It’s a do or die thing out there. Nowhere else can offer me as sheltered a career path (for at least the 1st 5 yrs) as the firm I am with right now. Then why choose to leave, one might ask. I want to try out something which I have an interest in. But I don’t know if it’s really what I want to do and the only way to find out is to try. Of course, another part of me is telling myself to stay put, not take up this opportunity. This 2nd option would allow me to lead a stable and comfortable life from here on. But I guess being young, the urge to trudge forward, to yearn to be successful, to want to try out new things is very great. As it is, since I’m young, without the burden and responsibility towards my family, I can afford to choose the 1st option. I don’t have that much to loose at the end of the day and the opportunity costs is still minimal at this point in time.

I find that life always brings about loads of ironies. Or is it just me? When I couldn’t find a job for a long while, I was completely demoralized. It didn’t help that I was getting increasingly tired at my current employment. Then, this opportunity came along. Part of the job scope, analysis, is what I would like to do, while another part of it, PR, is something which I am most afraid of. Also, the remuneration is a little below expected. I’m not particular concerned with the pay at the moment but it would matter a lot in time to come. By right, I should just jump upon this opportunity without any hesitation, but I did the complete opposite. I wonder why I’m always like this. When I don’t get something, I fret, when I get something, I fret as well. I ended up being a ‘pest’ yet again, trying hard to find people to squeeze in a little time just to give me some advice. Its always difficult to move out of one's comfort zone I guess. Despite wanting very much to try something which I think I would like, the comfort I get staying status quo is very precious to me too. I'll really really miss it.

'C'ats and 'D'ogs

Its finally over!! Nope, I have yet to find new employment to be able to call it quits at my present firm, but i'm finally over and done with the exam. Bad planning and lack of focus will cause me to fail the paper. Though results will only be out in abt 2 mths, I can gauge my own performance. I don't find the paper tough, because I know I have come across all the stuff somewhere when I was studying. Its just that nothing was committed to memory. Not that I didn't try, but somehow, nothing managed to stay etched in my brains. It's perhaps overloaded with too much of other things - crap. Majority of my answers, be they well thought ones or guessed ones, somehow were 'C's and 'D's. I saw the trend and felt something's wrong somewhere.

I can finally breathe! Looking back, it really was a spur of the moment thing when I registered to sit for the exam this year.
1. I had 0 days of leave for studying. used up all when I went Europe.
2. I never anticipated my workload to be so much worse than last year.
3. I don't think I was mentally able to cope with studying on top of everything else, which is a proven fact already.
But nonetheless, I still enjoyed studying and learning all that interesting stuff. If only I have the opportunity to put them to practical use. That would be just wonderful.

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It was off to 'play' after the exams. Finally went to catch X-men!! It was kinda like an impromptu decision. Was supposed to watch some gig at Esplanade, but during dinner, I suggested x-men instead. The storyline about a cure for mutants is really crap to me and I thought there should've been more characters? Or is my memory failing me? There should have been more X-men.

(caution: spoiler follows)

Why did Wolverine have to kill Jean Grey? Can't she be injected with the cure? That way, she can no longer let her power control her and she remains alive!

Jus some ramblings of my thots. =)

nEw CHilL-oUt plAcE

Its TGIF!! So I decided to give myself a break and headed down to Rochester Park with my colleagues. Just a lousy excuse to not study... heh

Rochester Park is supposed to be this up-and-coming uber cool place to chill-out. I liked the ambience of the entire place there. There're several restaurants/pubs there, all converted from those old colonial houses. They're all semi-alfresco style, with warm lights, nice soft sofas, loads of cushions, great lounging music... But price wise, thot they were a little steep. Location wise, erm, anywhere in the West is considered far and out of the way to me. Luckily I got the car but it took me a couple of wrong turns before I finally got there.

The place that the bdae gal wanted to go to was too crowded, so we went tis other one called Graze. A great place for a small grp of frens to get-together and jus chat the nite away...

Nw that I'm home, it's back to reality. Gotta fin up the last bit of studying before I call it a night... Counting down - 8 days to complete freedom!! Itz such a pain to study for an exam.

Family dae

My bro and sis-in-law were going for the Big Walk, so they decided to stay over where its much nearer to get to the stadium. While they went for the big walk, I went for breakfast with my parents and nephew. Haven't gone for breakfast with my parents in a while on Sunday morns beacause I was either at Jap class or in Church. After breakfast, we went to this canopy boardwalk at Bukit Chandu. Jayden was like this little prince, sitting in his pram while I pushed him around. I think he's really good. He sleeps the moment he gets on the car because its cooling with the aircon. But he wakes up the moment you open the car door. Amazing! Time for mum to go to work and we went home.

Later in the afternoon, Elaine came over. She just came back from Chicago and bought lots of things back. I was just thinking that I should've asked her to get me this moisturiser from VS which I liked, then she came up to me and gave me a bottle of moisturiser from there!! Though it was not the one that I wanted, but still... Hmm... I don't recall mentioning to her that I wanted that. She also bought quite a lot of chocolates. Sinful period again. It always happens when someone comes back from overseas. There'll always be a fridge full of chocz.

Sis-in-law, Elaine and me spent the afternoon chatting away. We had never done that before. I really liked it for it seems as though everyone is getting closer together. We talked about our trips, work... ... Sis-in-law then mentioned about sending Jayden to some Church for pre-schooling. I'm surprised at the choice since we're all not Christians. But she said it was because she felt that the environment in a Church was better for the kid's development. I am certainly for the idea, but am just worried about the objections she might face should she bring this up. I know I'll be giving her the support though =).

I would have loved to join my family for dinner if not for the rover galz gathering. We haven't had a gathering in a while, so I really ought to turn up for it. Wasnt' too bad catchin' up albeit for a relatively short time since I was going off to skate.

Feeling lazy and am thinking of not turning up for work tomorrow. Or maybe, I'll turn up late and leave early. Of course, I'll strive to finish up all my work so that I really don't have to go in on Tues. I'll be on leave from Wed to Fri =) Really really short week ^^

Feeling drained

I underestimated the exercise... or perhaps, I overestimated my own abilities.

As part of an interview, I had to do a valuation exercise of a particular company picked by my interviewer. Was suppose to start at 11am, but started only at 3pm because my interviewer got caught up somewhere. I had woken up at 7am, wanting to do some research and preparation before hand. But frankly I don't know where to start. Google was helpful, but still not sufficient. I was suppose to only take 4 hrs, but instead I took about 6.5 hrs. Its way way over the time given, so I know its a goner. Moreover, towards the end of the report, I just wrote rubbish. I was running out of time, and was feeling rather drained.

But as I did the report, it occurred to me that this really is what I want to do. Analysis and valuation of companies. Its really tedious, at least to me, but I enjoyed the process. Right now I know the theory, but I don't know the practical aspects of things. The report that I wrote, I ain't even sure if that is the right format that the interviewer is looking for. I just did what I knew. Now that its been submitted, all I can do is wait for some comments from them. I know I won't be offered the job, because I recognised my own inadequacies along the way. But it was a fun and great learning process for me.

Now, to continue trying for corporate finance roles... hoping that someday, some firm will hire me.

Opportunies don't knock twice

I've heard this countless times and have said it to many people too... we should not let opportunites that don't come by easily slip us by quietly. So, on a particular day sometime last week, I was informed of 2 opportunities. 1st that came to my knowledge was the job opening in Tokyo, Japan. Now, many people know that I can give up anything, just for the chance to live in Tokyo, so u can imagine the kind of excitement I was experiencing.

Not too long after I was told of the above, I got a phone call... for an interview. I don't know if itz something I will like to do, but I know it is something that I want to try out. Yep, interview is scheduled for tomorrow and right now, I'm trying to think of some answers to some standard interview questions. Think my interview skills have all eluded me. Its gonna be tough tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard.

I had wanted to go for the interview, rate my chances, before I decide on whether or not to apply for the position in Japan. But, things never work out in the way you want them to. The application dateline was yesterday. I deliberated the whole nite and day before the dateline, wondering whether I am going to just let the chance pass me by. Well, I did. I just hope that one day when I look back, I don't end up kicking myself for not even trying for it. And hopefully, my resolve to stay in SG for another year will produce some results that I'll be happy and satisfied with.

Like I said, things never go as planned right? I was told that this other person working in the company I'm going to interview at ain't too happy about things there. That just made my heart sink. I let one opportunity slip me by.. and the 2nd one doesn't sound any better. But, I ain't letting this hearsay thing get into my way. I'm still going to 'try' to be 110% prepared for the interview and find out more about the company for myself.

Back to preparation time.

What a way to kick-start the long weekend

I'm just almost done with my work. Decided to call it a day since itz already 4am, the 'night' of a public holiday. Rightfully, I should be having fun, relaxing or studying. But I have to work. Itz so sucky and shitty!! This is a long weekend, and I started it off by working. What da??!!?!?!?
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On a lighter note, my family went out for lunch earlier in the aft to celebrate Mother's Day. Da-sao recommended the seafood buffet at Tung Lok that cost $40/pax. I wasn't really for the idea of seafood nor buffet but went along since no one voiced their opinion. I suggested the buffet at Merchant Court Hotel but no one supported the idea =(

Contrary to the thought that I would not enjoy the meal since I never really liked seafood, I was completely blown away by the buffet. We had things like oysters (really HUGE, juicy and fresh), salmon sashimi, chilli crab, lots of prawns (steamed, fried w oatmeal, salad) , fish (steamed, fried), sea cucumber etc etc. I couldn't believe myself when I had 3 oysters since I've only eaten it once so far in my entire life!! The prawns and fish were really really fresh too!! It didn't have that fishy fishy taste, which I so dislike. But itz also because of the freshness of the seafood, I ate so much that it was my only meal of the day. Lunch lasted from noon to 3pm. A family of gluttons? Hehe... After lunch, we went shopping at parkway. While they all went grocery shopping, da-sao and I went shopping for clothes!! It was quite fun since I never really shopped alone with her before without my brother ard. Hopefully she'll go along with my cuz and I to HK in Jul. I'm sure we'll have a great time shopping!! *shopaholicz*

I met up with 2 frens later on in the night for coffee at Siglap. Has been quite a while since we last caught up. We were discussing abt the govt, which has been quite the topic of late due to the recent elections. We're both happy and yet unhappy with the system right now. Everything seems so nice and rosy on the surface, but when you look deeper, there's something that's just missing. I suppose there's no one system that can satisfy everyone, and we just so happen to be those unsatisfied ones, hanging ard still simply to remain within our comfort zones. Finally called it a night slightly pass midnite when the staff were getting ready to close the place.

Let Yur Will Be Done, Not Mine

"God will not give u anythin, even an ounce of somethin u cannot handle."

When I first found out about it, I got very agitated and just couldn't understand why I was so down on my luck, that the most dreaded thing had to happen to me. After I'd done my 'broadcasting' work and screamed about it, I sat myself down and thought through the whole matter. I could've done something about it and will not have to face what I don't want to. But I thought this was a good opportunity to put myself to the test. If I could face it this time around, I would know (100%) that I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

Thus, with the above quote in mind, I set forth to face this 'test' I've been given for the next 2 days.

There can be miracles when u believe.

Platonic friendship

Do you all truly believe in the existence of platonic friendships?

Why am I asking the question out of the blue? Nope, nothing's happening just that I'm a little upset with the comments my mum made. She's someone who believes -110% in platonic friendships. I am just the exact opposite of her. I believe 110% that true friendship can exist between 2 ppl of the opposite sex.

Let me quote my mum, "看谁比较适合就跟他做朋友咯。" To translate, she meant for me to choose the guy whom I think is most suitable for me and get together with that guy. I'm utterly speechless. What prompt her to say this is because I've got a couple of really close guy friends whom I hang around with quite a bit and I do go out with them alone at times. She has always been asking a lot of questions about these friends of mine. I know what she's driving at and will always give her politically correct answers. But when she made the above comment tonight, itz really the last straw. I believe itz certainly out of concern for me and stuff, but what is she worried about? That I'll decide to remain single always or that I'll be left on the shelf?

What is wrong with going out with guy friends for meals, coffee and getting free rides with there being no hidden agendas? We share a common understanding and the line is pretty clearly drawn. They often offer me advice from a different viewpoint as my girlfriends and I find that really helpful. So I really don't understand my mum. No matter how hard I try explaining to her about being just friends with the guys, she doesn't get it.

I know and do have friends who believe that platonic friendship is non-existent. When someone is nice to them, they'll often interpret it as that person is interested in them. I just think that there're ppl out there who're really really nice individuals. I will never doubt a guy's motive for being nice until he actually puts it plainly across that he even have the slightest interest in being more than just friends. I really value all my friendships, so I won't do anything nor harbour any thoughts that could jeopardise any friendship in any manner.

Mum's comment tonight really has no basis and I asked her not to make such baseless and unwarranted comments again. But I know this same whole issue will surface again some time down the road.

So anyone out there who's like me and believes 110% in platonic friendship?

Hibernate

I'm having a super looong and extended 'weekendz' which started last Thurs and will end next Tues!! =) I should be really happy with this long break that I so deserve after slogging so hard at work. But it ain't so, cause I still need to contend with my studies. Doesn't help that I ain't in the mood to study for I only feel like sleeping the days and nitez away... in other words... HIBERNATE!! Not forgetting, I also need time to enjoy myself.

Sat morn was spent fishing at Penjuru Jetty. I think that fishing will be perfect if someone brought along a music player. At least it won't be so dull and boring while waiting for the fish to bite. There were a couple of 'bites', but we never caught a single fish. The fish just bit off part of the bait and never got hooked! What a pity. Not long after, the weather took a change for the worse and it started pouring pretty heavily. Left with no choice, we packed and left. One of my friends then made a very interesting comment, 'the feeling is worse than my whole class failing the exams'. Yes, he's a teacher and he was really disappointed to just leave like that. When I got home in the afternoon, I crashed into bed and slept for the rest of the day.

It was off to blading on Sun aft. But we spent more time on lunch, then on blading. *lol* Itz cause my nephew was taking part in some baby contest and I had to go to show my support. Alas, I wasted my entire afternoon. There wasn't any form of contest at all. The babies were all screened by the doctors and the doctors are the ones who shortlist the babies for the 3 categories of, 'cutest baby', 'healthiest baby', 'most look-alike parent-baby'. For each cat, only 3 babies were called on stage. From there, the audience gets to vote. We were still expecting there to be some sort of performance put up by the babies. Maybe watch them crawl or something. But nothing. My nephew wasn't picked for any of the above, so ya, a whole aft wasted. It was really tiring to have to stand the entire aft too. At night, I met up with the group again for coffee at the Airport. As usual, loads of jokes cracked and the 'racist' comments/jokes made so reminded me of a friend who's now on exchange in the US. I never knew I could find a 2nd, even a 3rd person like him! We also went to check out the new budget terminal. We were throwing out our views on what the terminal will look like. But none of our guesses were right. It was much better than what we had imagined it to be... I think the staff must be wondering what this group of ppl are doing, exploring the airport at 1am in the morn. I have no idea either but it was a laughter-filled nite.

So my hibernating began on Monday. I woke up only to take brunch and crashed back into bed shortly after. I never woke up till it was time to take dinner. I feel like a PIG!! But there really wasn't anyway I could lift my eyelids, let alone drag myself out of bed. So my plans of studying was foiled. I finally started flipping the books on Tues. Progress so far - 1++ book out of 5. My aim is to finish 3.5 books by next Tues. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can do it since the weather is sweltering hot and makes it really difficult to study, and my aft naps are sooooo looooong that I think I'm hibernating more than I'm studying. *sighz* I'm beginning to ask myself again why did I choose to torture myself by registering for the exams and forcing myself to study? Not like itz gonna get me anywhere. Was whining about having to juggle work and studies to my fren whoz still in U. He asked if I would rather be like him and have to study 18hrs a day? Alrightz, so it doesn't really matter how I fare in my exams, since passing/failing don't seem to affect me anyhow, just a waste of money. I also don't study 18hrs a day. That's just madness!! Itz like every waking hour is spent studying. How is that ever possible?? So, maybe, itz still betta being in the workforce then being a student.

Oopss.. ashamed

We all know Mother's Day is approaching. My bro's gf is so nice and considerate that I feel so ashamed of myself. She will be out of town that weekend due to work committments, so right now she's actually thinking of ordering a cake for my mum and have it delivered on that day. It didn't cross my mind to get anything for my mum, but yet my bro gf's is so enthusiastic about it.

She asked me what type of cakes my mum would prefer but my mind drew a blank. I don't seem to have the slightest idea what my mum would like!! Now, I really ought to be ashamed of myself. After bringing me up for 23 years, I still don't know my mum's preference. Actually, its not only my mum, I do not know the likes and dislikes of any of my family member!! Just realised how much I've taken my family for granted. They're always the ones who know my preference but yet, I know nothing about them. *sighz*

In the end, the only info I could give my bro's gf was that my mum don't like creamy cakes. Not much help, right? But really, that's all I know. Knowing how much I have taken my family for granted, I ought to do something about it, and I'll do my best to not be a self-centred kid anymore and pay more attention to the people around me. =)

Wala-Wala

Itz been a while since I last went out to chill with SH and SM. Last night was an impromtu chill out session at Wala Wala. As usual, the place is always crowded. I got there much later than them and had to queue for more than 1/2 an hour, alone. Despite them having got there around 8pm, they still couldn't get a seat. Hence, we ended up standing for the entire night. Haven't enjoyed myself nor felt so relaxed in a while. Just enjoying the music with a drink and chatting away with them. Now, I need new mp3s! All the songs that I have though nice, are old and kinda outdated. *lol*

But all didn't go well last night. I got burnt by a cigarette, later on, got beer spilt on me and finally, got stepped upon. All the above were done by one SOLE person!! I was quite pissed with this guy. He had quite abit to drink but certainly wasn't tipsy yet. Now, I have this burn mark on my hand. It had better not leave any scar or I'll be cursing this fella for a long long while!!

As the night drew on, the place got more crowded. Suddenly, we were forced into a corner, and could hardly move an inch. It didn't help that those around us were mainly Caucasians and easily bigger and taller than us. We were kinda 'squashed'. Despite it being only midnight, we couldn't take the crowd anymore and left. We chatted a little more at the hawker centre while deciding on what next to do. They were thinking of heading down to Devil's Bar, to which I wasn't really keen. My legs were really tired after standing for the entire night and I had to get up early the next morning to go fishing! ^^I left them and headed home while they went on down to Devil's bar.

Got back at 2am to find my nephew awake. He had just finished his milk and refused to sleep, crawling all over the place and playing with whatever things he can lay his hands on. Hyperactive kidz! So I ended up playing with my nephew till he was willing to sleep =) It was a tiring night...

"Goodbye"

Been bidding farewell to colleagues lately, some are moving out of the industry, while others are moving out of the country. Itz saddening to see them leave, but itz good for them to have found their direction in their lives.

Went for the company bash on Fri nite. My intention was to go there and meet up with my colleagues whom I haven't met in a while and not to drink. So I thought I would drive there, and that would stop me from drinking. But in the end, changed my mind since bro agreed to drive me there instead. I really can't drink for nutz... Jus a couple of tequila shots and vodka later, my head started spinning. I could still walk on my own and knew exactly what was happening around me, just that the head was throbbing away. A manger spotted me, came over and said ,"Bye, I'm going off on Sunday. But I'll be back... after 2 years." I was shocked. I completely forgot that he was going over to the New York office! There goes another nice manager. Just said bye to one earlier in the day and now another in the night. A couple of my peers will be leaving come end June. All these ppl leaving made me feel so down and wonder, when, when will it be my turn? Knowing that they all are leaving and perhaps working towards a better future just make me think about what I'm doing with my life. I'm directionless and in a state of limbo. I've set myself a timeline to make changes. But from the way things look right now, the timeline don't seem realistic at all. Well, can only hope that things will fall into place somehow, someday.

Slightly pass midnight, we were all calling it a night. Too much booze in us all, so we decided to head home instead of going for supper. It was great catching up with Sept 6 bunch. The next gathering we have, will perhaps really be the farewell gathering for the 4 leaving for Australia.

Disappointing

Someone couldn't make it to catch the musical, West Side Story at the eleventh hour and gave the tix away for free. Lucky me got the tix (thx to Gail) and went ahead to catch the muscial despite my original intentions of clearing my piling workload that night. It was too good an offer to resist. =P But both of us were a little disappointed with the musical. It wasn't as engaging and interesting as other musicals I'd watched. In fact, it was a little dull. It didn't help that it had a weak storyline either. I believe the focus of the musical was on the dance portion. There were scenes which dragged on, simply because of the dance. But I couldn't appreciate the dance. It seemed sorta unrefined and barbaric. However, credit should be given to the leads, especially Kirsten Rossi casted as Maria. She's got really clear and powerful vocals. Josh Young, casted as Tony, could also sing really well, though at times, the key seem to run a little too high for him to hit the notes but, he didn't go out of tune, just sounded like he was straining his voice. Well, I'm glad I hadn't had to pay for the tix cos I feel that itz something that can be missed.

EastEr HoliDayZ

Yea!! Long weekendz!! Just that it doesn't feel that long after all. Itz already Sun now, so nearing the end of the holz... =( Nevertheless, it has been a fulfilling weekend thus far.

This is the first Easter I am celebrating, so kinda excited about finding out more about it. I have been to church for mass on Thursday and Friday and will be going for Easter mass later in the day. To me, the underlying notion of the first 2 masses were rather similar, in that we were told about Jesus's great love for everyone, including sinners. We should follow his example and love all those around us, including our enemies and those who have hurt us before. This struck a chord in me. I think it was through faith that I manage to find the peace and strength to love one and all, regardless of any reasons that should have led me to do otherwise instead. I thought this was a good change in me. I've managed to face up to reality and am happy with life as it right now. Of course there're things which I want to improve in my life still.

There was another first this weekend. I went FISHING!! Itz an activity which I've always thought requires loads of patience, which I don't have, and boring since all you do is wait for a fish to bite. Thus, I never bothered to try fishing. But after the trip to Ubin earlier on, I changed the views I held about fishing. It was pretty interesting. Someone had checked out the tidal chart and the best time to fish would be between 10am-2pm. There's so much to be learnt! Choosing the bait, size of hook to be used, casting the line etc etc. All these were fun. The terrible part came in when you just have to sit patiently and wait. I think that's the boring part. But the group of frens I went with were all very chatty, so it didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be. Rather, I think we had loads of fun despite not having caught anything except for 3 tiny little fishes.

We returned to mainland and headed to Tampines for some food and drinks. I was famished by now since I only had a slice of peanut pancake for the entire day! We realised that we all red like lobsters and no doubt, we were all burnt. The sun was out in full force for the entire time we were there. Our skins all felt so hot and hurt! Some of us went on to catch the movie, Inside Man. I had a terrible headache and haven had enough sleep for the week, so I almost slept in the theatre. At the end of the show, we just went 'huh'? The ending was kinda abrupt, as though the production company already has a sequel in the plans. The show wasn't interesting at all in my opinion. I'm now dead tired and struggling to finish this entry before I hit the sacks.

Yippie!! Gonna start Jap classes again tomorrow!! So excited. But think I'm gonna have trouble playing catch up. Of course, I wasn't disciplined enough to revise on my own *tsk tsk* Itz gonna be a long day again. Ciaoz.

Really random

Has it ever occur to you that at times, you just have the urge to blog but don't know what to write about? Or maybe, those random thoughts that flash across are too personal to be broadcasted online? It just happened to me last night. Strong feelings overwhelmed me but I couldn't put them down in writing either. It helped that there were people on msn in the wee hours of the morning for me to chat with, and remove my mind from those random thoughts.

I think online chat programs like msn are such powerful inventions. I like them but at the same time hate them too. They allow me to keep in touch with family and friends halfway across the globe but without the human interaction in it. Its akin to chatting with a machine, so cold. Of course technology now allows you to see and hear the person you're chatting with, but its just not the same. Also, not everyone makes use of the technology. I've had quite enough having to try second-guess what the other person mean in an online conversation. It doesn't help that these guesses will at best remain as guesses. A frightening thing is that I am able say things on msn which I will never be able to say in person. I don't know which day I'll end up saying something irreversible of consequential impact.

Was actually online chatting with my bro last night. I don't think I would have said all those things I did last nite if in person. We were actually discussing about work and stuff and I think I've got a really supportive bro who can readily agree to my quitting without a job. *LOL* But I haven't reached the point where I need to take such drastic measures yet. He's in search of a new job himself and I pray that he finds something he likes and the whole package is beneficial to him =) Sometime back, I also said something to a friend via msn and am now wondering if I said the right thing. But what's said cannot be taken back already, so will just have to go with the flow.

Ain't making sense right? I thought so. Cause there're certain things which I do not know how to pen them. So I'm better off going to bed.

New kewl blades that came with bruises as an extra

The title says it all.

Finally decided to get my own pair of blades. I know nuts about blades really, just enjoy being on wheels and being near the sea. A fren who noes much more went with me to pick out something suitable. Its price vs performance. As an amateur, really, they all look the same to me. My fren picked out a pair, saying that its really good and its value for money. It's orange, one of my fav colors!! Since I'll be getting money from the progress package, just decided to get it even though it was above what I thot I would pay for a pair of blades. As it turns out, the blades just way to kewl for me, this beginner! *LOL*

I couldn't control them at all. Wobbly even on flat ground. I feel as though I'm learning to blade all over again! I've not had problems with the slopes but this new pair is sooo smooth, I just rolled on. The rest, we all know... OUCH! It really hurts. No deep cuts, just badly bruised. Luckily the bruises are not visible so I won't get nagged at by my parents. But, I can't sit properly =( And this isn't the only fall of the day. I'm now feeling sore all over from trying to break my falls. How I wish I can be on MC tomorrow.

Now, the pair of blades realli realli kewl. But think they're way too good for me. Hopefully, I can progress on and make full use of my blades instead of just scratching it from my countless falls. Quite 'heart pain' when I saw all the scratches.

Focus

So I was 'summoned' in for a talk on tues. I did expect the kind of pep-talk I was given but thinking through the arguments that were put-forth to me, they did make some sense. Before and after the talk, I was thrown into complete confusion. I don't even know how many voices there were in my head, all eagerly expressing their own point of view. I was trying so hard to quieten down all the voices so that I could listen to the most important one of them all.

Friends thought I was disappointed/depressed after the talk. Well, I wasn't. I never expected things to be smooth-sailing anyway. I was just deep in thought, trying to re-assess the entire situation as well as my options. There's this huge chunck of mess in me which I don't have the slightess idea how to resolve it but I know I have to do something about it. I know that its all the push factors that's forcing me out. It really shouldn't be the case. The force of what used to be the greastest push factor has greatly diminished to the point that its almost non-existent. This, I am very sure. So my dear friends, all of you can stop worrying about it. I might have a slight clue of what next since between career and family, there's only one which I would willingly give up for the other without a thought.

Right now, I'm just going to cast this aside and focus on what's more pressing at hand, my studies!!!! Its exactly 2 months away, the syllabus is Greek to me and I've yet to flipped a page. I wonder why I'm ever so eager to throw myself into the deep end jus to struggle to stay afloat. Sometimes, I think I'm just mad. *LOL* I'm so in need of a miracle!

Fun-filled weekend

My weekend seemed to have started on Fri tis week. Heh.. really wasn't in the mood to work at all, so I was at the client's place for a short 2 hrs. After that, I had a long and relaxing lunch with my colleague. We were lazing in TCC, neither were in the mood to go back to work. I did a little more work in the afternoon at the secretariat, and that's about it. As I was leaving office, I bumped into a fren, someone whom I've not seen nor acknowledged knowing in a while. But I acknowledged him at the lobby and said hi that evening. This brought my day to another new high!

I had to give meeting up with my colleagues for dinner that evening despite the fact that kt was back from UK because I was going to catch a play, Doubt, a local production. I ain't sure if I enjoyed the play. I didn't fully comprehend everything but I think it was a commendable effort nevertheless. I think their acting's pretty good though the storyline didn't impress me much. Think I still much prefer musicals over plays where there's music and better stage props. Looking forward to watching West Side Story next.

After that, we headed off to the wine company at Dempsey Road. It’s a nice hangout for a group of frens to sit together, drinking wine, eating cheese and chatting the night away. We had a bottle of cab merlot and sparkling wine. I really cannot drink for nuts. Only 2 glasses and I could feel the effects of the wine. It was off to supper after we left wine company. To our disappointment, the roti prata house at Thomson was closed, so was Casurina prata. We ended up at Serangoon Gardens instead.

This was when laoda told us about the gory incident her fren’s bro witnessed. He took the Spaceshot ride (which we did last weekend) and sat next to a gal with long hair. After the free fall drop, he found himself splattered with blood and when he turned and looked, the gal next to him was headless but her hands were still moving!! It was something like her hair got caught somewhere at the top of the ride, such that her head got wrenched off when the free fall started!! I can’t imagine the kind of trauma the guy went through given that we were grossly horrified just hearing about it. I told my brother about the incident and he wasn’t surprised. It wasn’t reported in the news but he seemed to have heard something about it from his counterparts. OMG!

On Saturday night, I went blading with a group of friends. By far the largest group I have bladed with and also for the longest time. We bladed for 3 plus hours and the feeling of having ‘worked out’ was great! I only picked up blading late last year and really enjoy it because of the proximity to the sea. I’m slightly more stable on the wheels now and am learning t-braking and turning. About time I got my own pair of blades, with money from the progress package. It was close to 1am after we were done blading and we headed for supper. I hadn’t ate much for the day but still had no appetite for supper. In fact after eating, I felt like puking. Think I was suffering from indigestion because I woke up that morn with a stomach that was churning terribly. Sure hope I am not suffering from any form of eating disorders.

This is also the first weekend where I did not bring home any work!! Yippeee!!

Disgruntled soul?

I feel like the most disgruntled person on Earth. I have no idea why I seem so discontended with my life. I seem to be complaining about everything and anything. Hmmm... is there something very wrong with me?

Sometimes I really don't know what it is that I want. When my manager didn't do anything about my request, I complained. But when he did, I wasn't happy either. Instead I went into one of those moods again, where all I want is to shut out the world completely. Now, all the relevant ppl know about my request, and its up to me to continue pushing for it. But I am having second thoughts again, as I always do. I'm supposed to arrange a session to discuss this, but I can't even convince myself, how do I expect to convince those ppl up there? I'm vexed yet again... ... There's still alot of things holding me back in SG, greatest of all is fear. Fear of not knowing what my future beholds. Thinking is such an exhaustive task. Its worse than having to work till 3am.

I used to think I have my life all planned out ahead. But it seems otherwise. I don't know who I am , or what my goal is... or where I'm headed in life. Or just anything. I don't have the slightest clue at all. And I hate this uncertainty! I'm going crazy just trying to make some sense out of this uncertainty.

Just hoping that some light can be shed on where I should head next and relieve me of some of the stress I'm facing right now...

Genting Highlands getaway

Went up to the Highlands with a couple of frens (2 gals, 1 guy) over the weekend for a short getaway. I can't really recall the last time I was there, but it's easily at least 10 yrs ago! The whole landscape of that place has changed sooo much that I no longer recognise it.. The thing I hate most about going across the causeway is the toilets. They're often so dirty and stink but yet one doesn't have a choice of not visiting the loo. I understand that these toilets are being used by tonnes of ppl every day and nite, so it ain't easy to maintain the cleanliness... but the stench is realli realli unbearable.

Overnight coach ride and we got in ard 5 odd in the morn. As the coach travelled up, the night view is actually rather pretty... bright lights coming from the buildings from the town at the bottom of the hill.. What I recall of the past was that it was all trees that we saw on the way up... no nice night view or watsoever. Since it was still too early and we cldn't check in, we lugged our bags along with us as we strolled around in the nice, cool weather. Managed to catch the breaking of dawn. Haven't caught dawn break in a while, not after PS left, cos all the stayovers ceased.

After checking-in, we spent the day in the themepark. I was actually persuaded into taking the roller-coaster and space shot rides! When I was in Australia 10 years back, I so wanted to take all those exciting rides in Dreamworld, but cos I had no company, I din try them. But over here, where the rides are more mild, I actually hesitated. Age must have really caught up with me. *LOL* The view from the top of the space shot ride was exhilarating. But the anticipation of the free fall almost 'killed' me. Am glad I took those rides though. It was so much fun!! But I won't dare say I am able to take such rides again without any apprehension.

As we all know movie tix are cheaper in M'sia, we decided to catch a show. It was a Chinese comedy called '2 become 1'. It was a really hilarious show!! And the following got me thinking.. "sometimes, we're not hiding from others, but instead, we're hiding from ourselves"..

We went outdoors again after dinner. It had become sooo misty that visibility was greatly reduced. Winds were strong but not chilly. I so love the cool weather, perhaps abt the only thing I like about Genting.

The only guy who went with us... he's a joker. The way he says and does things never fail to make us burst out in laughter. He has something to say about everything, be it the place, the food, the thing we do... He looks the bit like everyone he's trying to impersonate. So there, we had our entertainer for the weekend.

The escape from reality was shortlived. Monday's here again... ...

Beliefs

9 mths back, I began my journey with God. I do not think that I have made tremendous progression, but I do know that this is the path I have choosen to take, regardless of how ardous it might be because of the oppostion from my parents who're staunch Buddhists.

I've always held a very open mind towards religion because I feel that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. The only time I truly believed in Buddhism was when my grandparents passed away. I believe because I wanted the rituals, that were meant to pave a smooth journey for them in the next phase of their lives, to hold true.

Things changed 9 months back. I suffered a setback that plunged me into an abyss for the longest time ever. I suffered from depression, but was blessed enough to have the relentless support from family and friends to tide me through that dark period of my life. At that point in time, what I needed was peace, inner peace. I asked my Christian friends to let me tag along with them to Church and also found out more about the religion from them. The weekly mass/service I attended then allowed me to find the peace I seek through God. Someone told me that no matter what belief it might be, I can find peace given my state of my mind then. Why do I need to start believing in something different? Perhaps that was true, but somehow, the events that took place brought me to God to find peace through Him. Hence, the decision to choose to walk the journey with Him.

The Christain faith itself is divided into several factions. I've visited churches of the various factions, and finally settled with Catholicism. It is where I feel most comfortable in, no doubt, largely attributable to J. Just last night, I was asked to join the mass at the Church Camp. I observed one of the sharing sessions and the questions posed were really food for thought. Heard of the song 'Perfect' by Simple Plan? Who is the 1st person who comes to mind when listening to the song? Strangely and I still don't know why he was the 1st person who came to mind.

Knowing that I have been going to mass for some time already, D told me that if I feel ready, I can go before the altar and be blessed. My mind then raced. The question that crossed my mind was more about my parents' reactions (mum thought I had stopped going to Church) than whether I was ready. I suppose I felt ready some time ago. Last night, was then the 1st time I went up to the altar to be blessed by the Priest. I felt that I had taken another baby step. =)

The anorexic phase is back

Right. I feel anorexic again. My frens might want to dismiss the word 'again' cos they would think that its normal for me to eat very little or not eat at all. But that's not the case. I ain't really sure when it started, perhaps back from Uni days?? There'll always be certain periods of time where no matter how hungry I am, I can't eat. I just hate food. Of course, I'll try to make myself eat, but I can only eat very little, or I know I'll throw up because I have thrown up before. But the throwing up part happened only when I was in depression. Right now, its just not having the appetite to eat. I don't know why this happen at all? I was asked if I was too stressed, but I don't reckon so since there's nothing for me to be stressed over!! Work has really toned down lots by now, studies wise, I don't really stress about it since it is by personal choice that I am sitting for the exam, no one to give me the pressure that I HAVE to pass it. Hence, I really have no idea. Its super unhealthy I know, but its a phase, that happens periodically. Joyce suggested that I might wan to consider seeing a doctor, but that hasn't really crossed my mind, YET.

Just this week, been out with them twice and they witnessed my anorexic syndromes. Once was on Wednesday when we went to catch V for Vendatta. The dialogue of the movie intrigued me, but it wasn't easily understood, at least I don't really understand. But I know it'll be scary should the world turn to become what the show depicted it to be. After the show, we went for dinner and all I had was a salad and a piece of cake. The worse thing was, I couldn't finish the salad, neither the cake.

Another was last night when we went blading. It was meant to be a healthy night since I felt that I had imbibed one too many drinks last week. Managed to convince 2 non-bladers to go blading together and off we went. They fell a couple of times but luckily nothing serious. Haven't bladed in a while so really really enjoyed it last night. The cool night breeze, the fact that I exercised, the company of friends... They have decided to make it a weekly thing, and I hope it will work out because blading could be about the only 'land' sports that I enjoy. After blading, we went for dinner at the hawker. I sat down and commented that I ain't hungry. They were all taken aback and said in unison, "again?" I just didn't have the appetite. I ordered noodles, but ate less than half of it. They were saying that its really unhealthy. Ya, I know that, but forcing myself to finish the food will only cause me to end up puking. I suppose at least I managed to eat a little which was better than nothing. The healthy night din last. We went off to cosy bay and had a beer each. It has been ages since I've last been there. It hasn't changed a bit all these years. Still the nice comfy, cosy place that it has always been =)

Let's hope this unhealthy phase passes by really quickly... ...

Where are you stranger?

In search of the stranger who is my best fren and in whom I find comfort. Where have you gone to, stranger?

Did I do things right?

The 2 weeks wait is finally over. My manager's back from reservist, so I decided to get in touch with him again. A few days back, I had told PS that I'm going to talk to him and officially put the request through, give them a lag time of 2 weeks, before I start doing anything on my own. Indeed, I kept to what I have said, and went back to the office specially to speak to my manager. But after its done, I start asking myself if that was the right thing to do and could there have been a better way to go about it?

Why the hint of regret over my actions? I thought that I might have made things go out of hand. My manager was nice enough to go through all the possible questions that might follow this request, in a bid to pre-empt whatever that could happen next. But he himself was very unsure for this is the first time a junior staff has made such a request. I guess I have to be the most troublesome staff ever. From what he said, I gathered that things don't look too good. He's still going to help me in whatever ways he can but, even he himself don't know where to start. I was asked, should my request not be met, what am I going to do? It sounded as though I might have to leave the firm should my request not be met. Somewhat like being black-marked for making such a request? Resign or continue hanging around? I really have no idea either. I could and should have just tried sending in applications overseas on my own without going through the firm. Save me from being singled-out by the firm and leaving the firm quietly should I be accepted somewhere else would be preferred. But too late, been there done that. There's no turning back now. Just hope that things will not be as bad as I think they are.

Another thing is that, since I have made the formal request, should they be able to offer me something, I do not have the liberty to reject already. Ya, so I've got one foot in and there's really no turning me back. Sounds like I am still thinking about my decision to leave. Perhaps its the fear of losing things that I have/might have that makes me think twice. Everything's so uncertain that I don't know what factors to consider even. But Uncle tim's right, the best decision is the one that I have made and I believe I will be guided to make the right one.

Halo Bar

Had a facial appointment at 10 tis morn, but when I woke up, it was already 11am. Heh.. came back too early tis morn, and the result is oversleeping.

It was a fun night out with the Sept 6 run. Haven had a run outing in a while. Though the numbers have dwindled, nonetheless the core group of people were still there. The gathering was for the celebration of paw's and sh's bdaes. Dinner was set at 730, but as typical professionals who have endless work to finish and enjoy dilly-dallying, we finally settled down for dinner at Marche only at 9pm. Everyone was starved by then and it was evident from the way we gobbled down our food. ^^

After much deliberation, we headed down to Halo Bar for some drinks. The most amazing thing, Halo Bar is located right smack in Ngee Ann Poly. I never thought that such a thing could happen in Singapore, like there being a pub located inside the compounds of a tertiary institution!! Actually, none of us believed it till we got there. Even the cab driver was questioning us. He thought we were such hardworking students, going back to school so late in the night. Hehe..

Halo Bar turned out to be a KTV place. YEAH!! I had been itching to sing for a very very long time already but never managed to fix a time with my frens. So, some things always turn out better when left unplanned =) We had to split into 2 rooms because 1) the room was too small to accomodate all 15 of us in it, 2) the smokers were being considerate. But it was kinda off to split up. I was of course in the room with all the non-smokers and we were happily singing away. Then I decided to go over to the 'smokers' room. Bad decision. First was that the room was so smoky, it hurt the eyes. Then it was all the drinks I had to imbibe although little compared to the others. But I have never been a good drinker. Those in this room were all so high that it was quite a hilarious sight. Never seen SH like he was last night. He was high till he actually sang!! Sean also sang. The most amazing thing was not that he could sing but that he could read the chinese words!

The bar closed around 230am, and we adjourned outside to chit chat since those who drove had to sober up before leaving. Paw's fren said I look like tis other gal, who was some hall sports queen. Hahha, thx for the compliment, but I think its jus cos it was too dark that he couldn't see clearly. It was quite nice to have the whole group of us seated there, chatting away. Plus, I quite like the environment there too. Thx to SL's bf who 'allowed' us to join him there. Those ppl wouldn't be leaving till like after 4am where the possibility of there being a roadblock is much lower. I wouldn't have mind staying on, but Gail wanted to leave already, so I left with her. =)

cOmfOrt Of strAngerS

A friend sent me the mp3. Before hearing the song, the title caught my attention. Comfort of strangers... Hmm.. issit really easier to pour all your sorrows and complains to a person you hardly know cos tis other person isn't involved in ur life in any manner?? Does it constitute finding comfort in strangers? I thought it was perhaps due to 2 ppl being able to hit it off right from the start, and perhaps share similar viewpoints about issues. Am I not right? *Ponder* Here's the lyrics:

I know the stars that shine on me,
Are brighter than you or I could ever be.
I know there's an answer to your question,
But I don't know if I could word it right.

Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
I'm not sure that I should say it out loud,
Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Right at this time, I'm gonna keep that in mind

One love, is better than not enough
I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff
Just the comfort of strangers
Always the comfort of strangers
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

I know the sun that shines on me,
Has better times than you or I could ever be,
I know there's an answer to the question,
and I'm not sure that I should word it right,

Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Everytime your gonna set me free,
Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Right this time, let's take it right home to see

One love is better than not enough
I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff,
It's just the comfort of strangers
Oh it's the comfort of strangers

Why, some of those are like best friends, best friends,
Ones that keep you coming round again

~~ By Beth Orton

After listening to the song, first thing, I am reminded of was the fact that my organ has been left collecting dust for the past (lost count) no. of years. I ought to get it fixed so that I have something to do during my freetime.

"One love is better than not enough. I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff." Can't agree more with these 2 lines. Having one love, one true love, that's it. Love can be all sweet and nice but it ain't something to be messed around with because of the painful consequences that could result. To not have to suffer from the hurt and pain that comes with love, don't ever fall in love till you're really sure. Then again, who can be really sure of anything in this world? Hmm... strangers are like best friends. Why so? Food for thought...

Its been a while

Julia's back in town for a holiday, so the 'Rovers' met up for a short dinner. 'Rovers' in inverted commas because none of us are involved any longer and there were only 6 of us there, down from over 10 of us. Haven met them all in a while, especially Julia who last came back perhaps sometime in 04. If I do recall correctly, this is the first time she's actually back for a longer period of a week. It was fun catching up with her life given that I hadn't even know that she had graduated and is now into cancer research. Rare few, though without her partner, was still as rare with her often hilarious comments that never failed to tickle us. I was of course updated with the latest in the others' lives too. Zhu has given in and is switching jobs to be working under another fren of ours. Quite queer, but I'm happy for her since she has managed to leave the 'dark side'. *haha* Waiting for my opportunity to escape from the 'evil clutches of the dark force'.

It was pleasant meeting up with old friends, but I seem to have grown distant from the rest of them who have grown closer together. The only reason I could give myself was perhaps I had changed. *shrug* Should perhaps reflect on this.

But now, its back to work!

Memories of the past

When people talk about moving on in their lives and forgetting the past, do they really forget their past? Are memories so easily erased? Is it better to keep these memories of the past, or to erase them all and live as though you had no past?

I don't have any answers to the above questions. There's this show "Eternal Sunshine of the Open Mind" starring Jim Carrey as Joel Barish, Kate Winslet as Clementine. I haven't actually watched this show but HX told me about it and I think it'll make an interesting watch. The story is about how Clementine went to get her memory erased via a surgical procedure after a failed relationship with Joel. When Joel found out, he too underwent the same procedure. Half-way through, when he remembered the happy memories of them being together, he decided he didn't want to continue with the erasure procedure anymore.

It's great isn't it, should there be such a surgical procedure that can erase all the memories that you don't want residing in your brain. Life could become a lot simpler since whatever you don't want to remember can just be removed as and when you like it. But won't one feel a sense of emptiness if there are no memories to reminisce about? And happenings of the past usually serve to make one grow stronger and more mature don't they? It's what happened in the past that shapes one's future, right?

I still get flashbacks of the past and am still affected by them, though very much less strongly than before. There are still a lot of tangible things from the past sitting around, but they no longer hold any meaning, which is why I don't see the need to get rid of them. However, it is the intangibles that I'm more afraid of. Words can still cause me to tear. The intangibles are what I am trying to rid myself of, some can be easily gotten rid of, but others, I wonder if a lifetime is sufficient? Actually it doesn't matter whether they are easy or difficult to get rid of, cos its more of whether I want to be rid of them. Truth is I don't. Instead of simply 'deleting' them away from my memory, I would rather I be able to face up to them one day and yet feel nothing about them at all. I am still in the process but the end should be near. I know because I could firmly say that whatever that's happened is all in the past and I have gotten over the past. Will continue to strive to overcome the past instead of erasing those memories. For once, I ain't hiding, but facing up to reality!!

Is it finally over??

This has really got to be my best week ever in 2 months. I get in to work ard 930 and I get off work by ard 530. =) Is it the end of peak already? If only every other week is like this!! I finally got to rest, or did I?? I still stayed up as late, this time trying to flip through my lvl 2 notes. Oh man, why was I so confident of myself to actually register for the exam?? After going thru one chapter, I told myself I'm a goner. Leave is going to be wasted on studying and so will I be wasting USD440. Only consolation, the topics are really interesting stuff, knowledge which I would very much like to pick up.

Everything's pretty quiet this week, till this morn. Got a really rude shock! My mum almost got knock down right in front of my eyes. I really don't know if she was dreaming. It was really obvious that there were 2 red cars approaching and were very near to us already, but my mum still stepped onto the road, trying to cross it. The driver sounded his horn so loudly and had to swerve his car into the next lane. Luckily, there wasn't any oncoming traffic, so no one was hurt. Life is truly vulnerable I suppose. Anything can happen to anyone anytime. I'm glad nothing happened this time round.

Yippee!! PS has finally confirmed her return date to SG, over X'mas and new year!! Looking forward to you returning!! and perhaps our trip to Melb as well =)

SIGH!!!

That's all I feel like doing right now. Nothing else but sigh. I shouldn't really be feeling this way, given that I just came back from a dinner + coffee treat. It was certainly an enjoyable evening with the team but the thot that 2 of them are calling it quits in a month's time is really kinda demoralising. To add on, a 3rd one leaving is on the cards. The team is really splitting up. Of course I'm happy for these individuals who've managed to find a way out and to greener pastures. But at the same time, it just got me wondering, what exactly do I want? What exactly am I working towards? I know this is perhaps the umpteenth time that I am asking myself this question but there still doesn't seem to be an answer.

Here I am sitting at my table, looking at the job adverts I have cut out from the papers. But as I read thru them and re-read again all the job descriptions, I wonder if any of those jobs are what I am looking for. Right now, I seem to want to apply for most jobs under the sun just so that, hopefully, I'll get an offer and I can finally leave this place. Really, its the push factors. I am simply being PUSHED out cause I know I don't want to be here anymore. But where should I head to next? I really have no idea. SIGH... ... I am kind of tempted to call it quits as well. Then take my time to decide where next to head to or perhaps to continue studying. But studying is just a temporary escape from the reality of having to work for that couple of years. After that, the whole cycle begins again. I can't continue with studying indefinitely as well. Perhaps, the whole reality of having grown up and stepping into the working world hasn't set in really well.

Is it because I am not easily contended and satisfied with what I have in life. Am I trying too hard to be what I am not? I have fellow peers who seem quite fine with everything right now but I seem to be the only one who's complaining day after day. Is there something wrong with me or what?

SIGH SIGH SIGH... ... ...

Bosses chose a really good time to come by and check on us... Fri afternoon.. and they stayed till like 7 odd. After they left, we still had to clear those queries of theirs. For goodness sake, its a Friday!! I seriously think I've been programmed to stop working by around 7 latest, on a Friday. So ya, I was kinda not too happy about it. And because they left so late, I couldn't make it back to see another manager, which means I've got to wait another 2 weeks cause he's going to be out of office. I've got really important matters to talk about to the manager, and now I've gotta wait. Really bad timing. Never mind, let's just hope my patience will pay off.

Had a short chat with the co's sales manager and one of the sales rep. The sales manager is such a nice lady. Its always so much fun talking to her and she's always so willing to help. She had 3 frens who used to be in my line but all 3 have since left and are in very diverse fields now. So she encouraged me to pursue my interests instead of slogging my life away doing something I don't have the interest in. They were chasing me to go home too simply because its a Friday and I was going to be the last one left in the office. I was even offered a ride out of the industrial park. =)

My plan for the weekend was to finish up all the backlog that I've been carrying forward so that I'll have time to start with my studies. But the plan doens't seem to be falling into place. I see work piling up once more. *Sighz*

I've sorta hit quarter life crisis, whining everyday to frens about not knowing what I want in my life, about how terrible my job is, about all the nasty and CMI people I meet etc etc. I always have something to complain about. Sometimes, I think they are all sick and tired of my constant nonsensical whining.

Just recently, I've had to make a huge decision on what next to do about my life. I went through the entire thought process over and over again and asking frens similar questions day in day out that I guess would have so irritated even the most patient one. But I'm lucky to be blessed with supportive frens ard me, willing to lend me their listening ears anytime I needed them and knock some sense into me when I go off the track. Just when I thought I had made up my mind, these good frens of mine, wanting me to be really sure of my choice, started questioning me again making me go through the ardous thought process once more. But it only meant one thing - that I still wasn't sure.

So I spent last nite at hx's place, toking about the same old things all over again. She asked, "Are you just looking for something to fill up the void in life right now such that you're making such a hasty decision?" I perhaps am looking for something to fill the void, or just looking for a change in surroundings, in a way to try to start life anew. But I'm sure its not a hasty decision. What do people do to fill up the void in their lives then? Look for new activities to engage in? Look for a special someone who can keep them company? The first option is a much sensible choice to me though I would love to pick the 2nd. The second option's too risky because there's another party involved. There's no sure way of knowing who that special someone's gonna be and should it turn out otherwise, one party, or even both parties could be hurt. 'Hurt' is a frightful word that sends shiver down my spine. After toking through things, and making known my fears, I felt much better. I felt more certain about things and sorted out the tangled mess in my head. Maybe, like what hx said, I already knew what I had to do, I just needed her to reinforce my decisions. Whatever it might be, gal, I still thank you for the hours spent sitting by the pool, listening to me.

PS, I had promised to send off the mail to my manager and I've done that. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I won't be 'grilled' too badly for all my frequent requests. Wonder what my manager thinks of me - the problematic staff perhaps? Another senior just told me that he's going to leave the firm despite the fact that he's gonna be taking a severe pay-cut. Well, I told him at least he's going to be doing what he enjoys while I'm still stuck. Kinda sad when all these seniors, and its always the nicer ones, are leaving one by one. Its really demoralising. Had previously been complaining abt this other senior of mine. Come to think of it, he ain't that bad. At least he bothers to 'check' in on how I am handling the work given that he's on reservist now. Not that he's helping with anything, but just dropping smses. Still it beats not bothering right. So he gets credit for that.

I came to discover that I seem to be portraying a side of me to others that ain't what I really am. PS sent me the link of her Johari and Nohari windows, so I decided I could make use of it to find out what others actually think I am like. So far I've got 2 responses and they're way off my own perceptions. Does that mean I don't understand myself or have I been trying to be someone that I am not. These 2 frens just refused to do the one on the negative attributes though. Hmm, does that mean I don't have any negative attributes? C'mon, we all know that is just impossible. They're perhaps just being nice. =) But I would really want to know more about myself, both the +ves Johari and -ves Nohari.

What am I doing, up so early in the morn? Heh, actually I just got back. Had so much fun tonight!! One of the rare occassions I could get the car, so decided to go up Mt Faber for some drinks at Altivo. I just love that place. Nice (though not fantastic) scenery, music that's easy on the ears and of course, the wonderful company consisting of the usual gang. =) I'm the kind who likes to sit back, relax and chit chat with frens over drinks at a place with great ambience. Altivo really fits the bill for me. I fell in love with that place the very first time I was there. Just that it's quite a hassle trying to get up that little mountain and parking the car. I confess that I am a ROAD HAZARD cos my driving skills are terribly terribly bad! I'm sure all the passengers could attest to that ^^ But nonetheless, I still managed to get us around safely.

We had the nice cushion seats and took a couple of photos courtesy of 'auntie's' camera. It really was jus a few shots since the batt was running out. Had nice chats with them too, especially 'auntie' whom I've not spoken to in a long long while that she's not updated about anything at all. You ought to join us more often!! *tsk tsk*

After drinks, we were torn between going for supper and heading to Sentosa. I was fine with both ideas and being the driver, I was just waiting for them to come to a consensus. But time was not on our side. I didn't want to return home too late or I'm gonna have trouble answering to my bro and getting the car out again. So we headed down to Boon Lay for the FAMOUS nasi lemak!! Used to have that for supper back during Uni days. It's been a while since. Hence, though I have been trying to cut-down on my intake of food, I just couldn't miss the chance of having that nasi lemak cos there's no knowing when I'll be going back there again! Sinful though..

Here, starts my long journey home.. jurong east to bukit batok west to tampines ave 3 to hougang ave 8 and finally punggol. All the way from the far west to the north east. Was so tired along the way and made SH talk to me all the while, in case I doze of and swerve. Infact, keep going out of lane. Still prefer being chauffered though having a car provides one with more convenience.

Great chill out nite. Temporarily removed me from the realities of life and frustration of work! YEAH!!!

I spent the weekend hibernating. Hadn't slept so much in a while that I wasn't really quite used to it. In fact, it made things worse this week, cause I just felt even more tired instead of feeling recharged. Of course, I tried to take the opportunity to do some thinking but it never really worked, cause I'm still kinda lost.

I think I really had enough at work. Either that all I'm so tired that the wire in me has fused. Can sense my change in attitude towards work. I just don't seem to bother already and am starting to talk back to my seniors. Or maybe just this one. Basically a nice senior, but really, rules are dead but we're not!! There's no need to follow the guide right down to every single word!! It's not the Bible and even with the Bible, people don't go scrutinising every other word in it!! I was almost driven nuts by the nitty gritty details that the senior required me to take note of. Not like I don't have enough on my hands already. I can't stand 'yes' man. Should you think that its not possible than voice it out!! Why keep saying yes and kill yourself having to fulfill what you've promised. Certain things are really not 'do-able'!! Actually I don't know who's getting on whose nerves actually. Heh.. cos I think my attitude's really bad. But sometimes I really get quite irritated being interrupted in my train of thought just to take care of some minor details. I feel kind of being driven up the wall at work. I can't wait to leave!! Can some other company please employ me!!

Besides work, everything else is just great (minus the thinking part of course). Parents are away in cold cold Hokkaido enjoying those huge, delicious hairy crabs. In a way, kind of enjoyed being home alone though it also got me to appreciate them and my brothers even more! No one to my laudry for the week, so me and bro had to wash the clothes on our own. While waiting for my bro to be done with his, I took a nap. When I woke up, my clothes had been washed!! Mind you, the washing machine in my house is like a flower pod. We hand-wash all the clothes, so I was really touched by what my bro did. He must have pitied me for all the late nights I've been keeping cos of work.

Mid-week, I shifted to stay at da ge's place. I get sent and picked up from work everyday. Then we'll head out for dinner with my nephew. Back at his place, the study is like MY room. No one ever comes in to bother me. It feels as though I'm staying alone in a way. How nice. This is the kind of life I like. But I can't stay here indefinitely. Not very nice to impose on my bro and sis-in-law. Was supposed to spend tis week discussing about my options with my bro and seek some advice. He's not of much help, no advice also. He's leaving it all up to me... Have yet to ask him if my mum has been talking to him about me. Hmm.. seems like no time for that.

Now, I need to go back to work.. tho I'm feeling sooo sleepy I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open.. ZzzZZzzz...

Now, I really kinda feel burnt-out. So a month is about all I can withstand. Those long working days of ard 15+ hours and short sleeping hours of ard 5hrs. Ain't proportionately distributed at all. No wonder I feel dead. I really mean it. I could so sleep in the club I went to last nite amidst the loud thumping music.

I have no idea why I give the impression as being a very career-minded and career-driven person when in actuality, I don't think it is so. Frens think that my wanting to leave for greener pastures is because I know what I want to achieve out of my career. But its only because I don't want to be where I am right now. Its more of push than pull factors that's driving me away from staying status quo. And I dunno why, I am searching for the very reasons for everything to remain as it has always been. Perhaps, I am just afraid of change. I don't know what and how these changes are going to affect me both now and in the future. It's the fear of the unknown that is holding me back. But many have told me that I am still young and blessed to be without the burden of any liability on hands. Thus, I should just go ahead and try out new things in new places. Easier said then done.

I guess I have made my decision about certain things. Its just trying to ensure that its really what I want and not to regret any of the decisions made. This weekend is going to be spent hibernating to recuperate and re-evaluating my life. Wish me luck ^^

Just came back from Essential Brew... felt really tired from work and besides work, I haven been anywhere else this past week... feeling kinda deprived of a life, so called up a couple of frens wanting to chill out. Only managed to get mei while jas joined for a short while. sh failed to join us thanx to his job... tink he got home past midnite... had wanted to find some cosy place with nice music and where it's not too noisy... but, no idea where to find such a place. Wala was too crowded as usual.. Fosters would have been a better choice than Essential Blu since there's music and the ambience is certainly much better. However, due to budget constraints (i'm already in deficit this month), settled on the less expensive option. It's only my second time there. I pretty much like that place with the cushions so suitable for jus lazing and chatting with frens... if only it was less crowded, the lights slightly dimmer and there being music played in the background.

kinda sad that the sept 6 run no longer have our weekly gatherings. everyone's busy with their own lives and jobs... the nos that turn up for gatherings have dwindled significantly, so much so that its alwiz down to the 3/4 of us. good and bad... I've alwiz preferred smaller grps cos its easier to decide on things and there'll be more interaction... but large grp outings are fun too. More people to do nonsensical stuff with. *heh* hoping we could have a reunion dinner =)

time to ZZZzzzzZZZZ... gonna do some last min shopping tomorrow ^-^

The weekend went by so quickly, simply because there's jus soooo much work to do. Or rather, I am just so inefficient that personal time has been traded in to be spent on work. On average, I have been getting around 5 hrs of sleep since last week. It didn't help that my wardrobe came in at this time as well. I was lucky not to see the mess in my room since I was at work and my dearie brother had so kindly cleaned up the room for me =) We had all underestimated the size of the wardrobe, so much so that the furniture in the house has to be reshuffled. Not that I mind since my room is now so much more spacious and I get more privacy with my bro's computer moved out of the room. But my poor bro's room is now so messy and crammed. Oops... So besides work, I had to contend with arranging all the things into my new wardrobe. I really wish there's 48 hrs a day, then I don't need to trade in my sleeping time. *sighz* We all know its impossible tho.

Went in to work on Sat morn. But I only worked for 3 hours cos I was going to get some color into my hair. It took longer than I expected and there was no way I could make it on time to meet YF for shopping. But I had forgotten to bring my phone out. *super blur* Out of desperation, I called HX and asked her to help try and obtain YF's no. Luckily she managed to. So, after doing my hair, I rushed off to Orchard for my one and only chance to shop for clothes for the new year. My hair's tinted in super bright colors, something I din expect. I thot I had picked more subtle colors like ash... but it turned out otherwise. Think the color's a little loud for work and my hair is soooo super damaged. Nonethless, I still like it. Never had such bright colors on my head ^^
I was like some caged animal just set-free. I bought the most things on Sat's shopping session with YF and Grace. However, none of what I bought seemed suitable for CNY since they're all black and white... heh... my mum's not going to be very happy abt it. Shall just mix and match with whateva I already have.

Had wanted to go somewhere for a drink and chill, but YF din feel up to it, so it was off to her place to laze. On the way to her place, we passed this SUPER DUPER GORGEOUS LOOKING GUY!!! OMG!! Both of us just so gushed and exclaimed after we walked past the guy.

It was a no-holds barred sharing session at her place for hours as we watched this super lame and superficial show "Who's Hot". Our tastes were just so differed from the judges!!

The chat with YF made me think of some things. Actually before that, I have been thinking and asking myself what's my direction gonna be in life. I still ain't able to come to a definite ans as yet but shall write about my thot process in the next entry and hopefully some light can be shed upon the path that I should take.

As for now, I can keep my eyes open no longer. ZzzzzZZzzzZZzzzzz

Had a nice, though short break from work tonight. Jus came back from a mini gathering with S23. 2 jus came back from their studies overseas, (one has just completed her law degree in UK and has returned though trying not to stay for good while another's back for his hols) while another is leaving for France tomolo on an exchange program.

Haven seen the 3 of them in a while already. We spent the night catching up on the latest updates about everyone in the class. Its realli hilarious when everyone seem to have some sort of hearing problem. All the statements were distorted!! From something like, "he looks like a jerk", it became "he looks matured"... another one was, "she said he look like a Greek God" and someone heard it as "he said he himself look like a Greek God"... *lol* there's a piece of really good news - someone's getting hitched this year!! congrats to her and i'm feeling so happy for her!! our topic went on to the age of guys, gals our age should be dating. their conclusion was someone in the late 20s, who've built up a nest and can afford to buy a house and car and settle down. hmm... are they all tinking of getting hitched already??? Personally, I think these kinda things are better left alone. When it happens, it jus happens. ^^

As we talked about all these things, it really made us feel OLD. Kinda sad remembering the good ol' days when we were all still in college. But it's wonderful that we're still keeping in touch and updated about what's going on in each other's lives. To those who're going away, enjoy urselves and take care!! To those who're staying on in Singapore jus like me, seems like we all jus got reminded that chinese new year's onli a week away... time to go shopping!! hehe, shopaholic unleashed!!

Peak has certainly started. Already feeling very tired.. it has been tight deadlines one after another.. how long will I be able to last? I have no idea.. but I really am testing my own limits. Despite the long hours, I still feel quite happy because of the team of people I'm working with. We're really like 1 big happy family. A consolation perhaps... Just before we went for dinner, we decided to try out this new wireless program that allowed us to send instant msgs to one another. It was hilarious! Everyone was drawing away, unleashing all the 'Davinci' in them. =)

I've finally started my Jap classes and its on every Sun morn 1015 - 1. Really, Jap classes are about the only thing that can make me get out of bed so early on a Sun and travel, by myself, all the way to Orchard. I still can't believe myself... haha.. But the first lesson I attended seem a little easy for me. I might consider jumping a couple of lessons and save some money... I've also finally bought my wardrobe! Yea! But it meant time spent clearing up my room for a space for the wardrobe and after the wardrobe arrives, time spent arranging my things into it. I really wonder what got into me. Choosing to do all these things when peak has just started. I'm probably trying to kill myself faster. *lol*

Aim for the nite is to hit the sacks by midnite. =)

Sumptuous lunch

There was an appreciation lunch treat yesterdae afternoon at Oriental's Cherry Garden Restaurant. Food was served to each individual in small portions and prettily arranged on huge plates. It was Chinese food served in French fine dining style =) There was a waitress who introduced every dish to make sure we know what we're eating. There was also a change of utensils that followed after every other dish! I felt weird in that setting since I was the most junior one among them all and was sitting next to the biggest shot at lunch. But I guess some others might have felt awkward and out of place just like me for throughout the 2 hour lunch, only 2 people held a conversation while the other 7 looked on.

Heck the uncomfortableness... the food was simply scrumptious! Here's a list of wat we had:

1. braised duck wrapped in beancurd skin

2. champange glazed pork ribs with prawn aioli

3. shark's fin dumpling in soup boiled using shark's bones

4. steamed red garoupa in teochew style

5. braised dofu cooked in crabmeat sauce with spinach

6. fried vermicelli in XO sauce

7. pumpkin cream with ice-cream, sago and red beans

Such a filling lunch... i took a walk back to raffles place after that in order to digest all the goodies in me... =)

decided to take a break frm work... yea, i'm still working at 11pm! wat to do? tis is the nature of my work... and tis is onli the beginning. Might end up working over the next couple of weekends. =(

actualli, i dun realli mind long hours of work if they are worth it - meaning i learn from the job and i love wat i am doing. however, ain't sure if that's the case now? learning from the job is a definite since i have no choice but am forced to read up so that i know what i am blabbering about to my bosses. dun realli mind this since i will be doing something that value-adds to myself... but loving wat i'm doing? still cannot convince myself on that point.

jus did something out of the blue today. actualli requested to try out in another dept in the company... dunno wat in the world i'm going to get myself into... wateva... i'm open to changes and believe i can adapt fast... or at least i hope so. =\

enough bout work... had a nice simple dinner wif a 'sis' today. dun realli noe her well, but jus feel very comfortable in her presence and can share loads of things with her. she's always encouraging me and am very glad for that. hope to be able to keep in touch with her. ^^ one very encouragin statement, "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE"!!

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some strangers really get on my nerves! or is there something wrong with me?? have been getting lewd looks when i am so properly-dressed in my office-wear. irritating!!! jus wat shd i do? hate these disgusting ppl!!

2 posts in 1 nite... jus feeling bored... its good weather to crawl under the covers... but i'm doing otherwise... cos i took a looong 4 hr nap earlier on and am now stuck sitting here facing the lappie feeling so wide awake!

sitting alone in the room, listening to the rustle of the leaves, howling of the winds and the sound of raindrops falling on the hard surfaces... the weird feeling i've got since evening just seem to be growing.. not too sure how to describe it but its the kinda feeling u get when u lose something important.. not that i have lost anything, so i oso ain't sure why i'm feeling tis way. Or maybe... maybe I do have a slight idea of what the reason could be...

Some things just have to happen before we start thinking about them.. why does it alwiz have to happen this way. Why can't we tink about it before anything happens? It'll be great to be able to pre-empt wat's gonna happen next. I don't wan to be able to foretell the future, but jus wan to know what happens next so that I can make the right decisions this instance.

But its no longer necessary, cos wateva should happen has occurred. From now, life will simply return to normal once again.

Gonna lay snug and warm under the comforter now =)

Breaking out of routines!

Human beings are creatures of habit. We like our comfort zones, our clearly marked boundaries, our routines, our retreats. We take paths that we or others have tested and proven safe, and hardly stray from them. We structure our lives based on patterns which have always worked for us and are averse to trying out anything new.

Routines can be useful, but if we adhere to them too rigidly, we may soon find our lives emotionally dull and meaningless. Over time, our stiff patterns may become blinds that shut out the possibility of a more vibrant, exciting and promising life.

Identify your routines. What do you do every day? So often that it's becomes a subconscious decision that requires hardly any thought? Why do you do it? Does it really benefit you? How does it benefit you? What about weekends and your leisure hours? Do you seek out the usual sources of entertainment or recreation?

If you feel like you're in a rut, that every day seems too similar to the day before, then you might want to try enlivening your life by breaking out of your routines. You may be so comfortable with them that deviating from them seems hard, but you can start with the small things.

Like taking half a day's leave to go to the movies. Taking a different route to work. Or a different mode of transport. What about eating something you've never eaten before? Or reading a magazine you've never had an interest in before?

These things may seem laughably insignificant, but it's not the thing you do that's important. It's how you allow each new experience to delight and invigorate you. Seek to be different and embrace variety and change. Don't let monotony chase the cheer out of your life.

Received the above in my mailbox. Thought it's an interesting article and would like to share it. Very often people are just unwilling to break from routine because of fear, fear of the unknown. Then they lament that life is so boring. But its all because they refuse to embrace changes. Sadly, I am guilty of it...

Sick and tired

Sick and tired.

Literally.

On the 1st day of work in the new yr, I fell sick. Not a good way to start. Friends questioned if I had party too much over the 2 long weekends? In my opinion, no I haven. Perhaps, it was more due to the countless chocs I ate. Sweet tooth... =)

Not a good time to fall sick, not when workload is so heavy. Worse of all, I lost my voice, something pretty essential in my line of work. I cannot even afford the time to take MC. *sighz* Why do I always fall sick at the wrong times??

I'm so dead tired, but I can't get to sleep, thanx to the irritating throat. Instead, I am sitting here, half doing work, half stoning away. I dread the upcoming months. Anyone has any way for me to bypass them?

I seem to be writing incoherently. Too tired and stressed out with so many things in my mind right now. All I want is my voice back...

Ushering in 2006

How time flies... 2005 is over, without me knowing what exactly I have accomplished. I never set resolutions, simply because I know they won't be kept. So, am I just living each day as it passes me by?? No, as well. Or at least I don't reckon it as such.

Our plans was to be in MOS to usher in the new year. We got there at 830pm, the queue was already horrendously long! In fact, there were 2 queues -- one for those who have bought their tix earlier and another for those without tix. The latter queue never moved so much as an inch for the 1.5 hr we were there. We gave up waiting, decided that we'll come back to MOS only when we know we don't have to queue, and headed down to Expo instead.

It was Mambo Jambo at expo... retro music for the night. The crowd there seem a little young to me. Or maybe, I'm old. *heh* The drinks were realli diluted. But I like retro and had good company for the night. Haven been out with this gf of mine in a long long while.. and seems like a lot has been happening without her telling me. And so we just danced the night away...

2006 is here... do not know what it beholds for me, but its a brand new year that requires a brand new start. I shall do just that!!

Cheers to a brighter and better 2006!!