A very REAL reflection

I can so picture what kind of life I'll lead should I really move out and live on my own..

My life this week, where ppl ard me are all out of town either for leisure or work, will be a very close reflection of what its like should I end up working overseas.

I stay late at work, and don't have the urge to go home. After work, what I want to do is to find some frens and head somewhere, anywhere, jus to chill... i jus dun wan to head straight home after work.. but there's no one to do that with me... frens ard here jus don't have this kinda past time..

I think I'll be a super workaholic if I'm working overseas. With no one at home, I don't have the urge to be home either... I would of course prefer hangin out to working, but I ain't the kind who can hang out alone, so I'll end up working.. its jus like using work to overcome the loneliness... was just lamenting to PS that there's nothing to do in SG in the evenings, but it later became that there's no one for me to be out with rather. We both reckon that its gonna to be real kewl if only we're not living in different continents, cause we'll have each other for company in the evenings.. well, either u come back or i move over.. tho i think the former is much easily achieved compared to the latter.. *heh* my parents shd be really happy to know that they are part of the reason why I wanna be home early everyday..

As it is, frens are amazed by my eating habits.. let me live alone, and u'll be even more amazed.. lol... but no worries, I haven got any eating disorders.. jus that meals will simply be anything I can find at home.. from instant noodles, milk, biscuits, fruits etc...

Its such a chore having to do all the household chores, especially the laundry! Everything in my house is hand-washed to which I always pity the washing machine for not being able to showcase its ability. But then again, it'll take very long before I can accumulate sufficient load to use the washing machine.

But at the end of the day, I still enjoy living alone.. no one to nag at you for living the nite as though its like day, for turning on the tv, computer and radio at the same time.. of course, life's a breeze with parents ard to take care of everything else in the house, but I believe I can do with learning to be independent in this aspect...

2 more days till parents are back from holiday..
18 days till fren's back from work..
21 days till my trip..

How true does it describe me?

Was alittle bored and did one of those numerology tests, that yielded the result below..

"You are a romantic and an optimist at heart, with a great appreciation for life and all of its pleasures and beauty. Your gifts are imagination, inspiration, the ability to dream and to create. Your natural generosity, big-heartedness,and good humor wins you many friends. You have an inner joy and buoyancy which enables you to encourage and bring hope to others. However, some consider you unrealistic and naive, for you are drawn to the bright side of life and avoid the dark or difficult aspects of people and situations as much as possible. You do seem to attract more than your share of the good things in life. Comfort and ease come naturally to you. You are a very social creature and you especially enjoy being with creative, playful, spontaneous people. Theatre, dance, music, and other expressive arts have a strong appeal for you. Your weaknesses may include laziness, lack of discipline, and impracticality."

Pretty accurate I would say. Any comments?

too self-restrained?

I was told that I'm too self-restrained and that shouldn't be the case. I ought to speak up and say whatever I want to say, whatever I have to say. I suppose the statement holds certain truth in it but for this observation to have come from someone whom I don't have much contact with.. I begin to wonder.. Is this such an obvious trait of mine that makes it so easily identifiable??

Then again, I start thinking about the difference between self-control and self-restrain. How do you draw the line between these? I always thot I was jus exhibiting self-control but apparently it doesn't appear to be so to others.

Take for example when I'm out drinking with friends. Does the fact that I don't drink till I'm high/drunk like most other friends do make me a self-restraining individual? Rather the truth is I can't get high. The moment I have more drinks than what I can handle, I get drunk, the kind where I'll puke then sleep. So, I don't go over my limits simply because I've witness the unsightly scene of girls puking all over themselves and their friends having to pick up after them. Of course friends have told me its alright to get drunk once in a while, since everyone's just out to have fun. I know that and I've certainly been drunk before, just not with this grp. Another matter is that alcohol make me feel so much more 'sober' and aware of my own feelings and thoughts after imbibing one too many drinks... you just lose all will to suppress those hidden feelings.. the result is either you end up partyin like someone who's crazy in order to drown those or you just break down crying.. I've done both before, and enjoyed neither.. So in a way, I feel that I am just exhibiting self-control yet on the other hand, suppressing of feelings make tink its self-restraining...

There was an incident lately that caused a misunderstanding between 2 frens. Certain thoughts crossed my mind but I din want to pursue these and get to the bottom of the matter because whatever the truth might be, it isn't something I would want to know. Hence, my decision was not to complicate matters and stay out of the entire episode. However, the someone told me that I'm too self-restrained once again. Both are my friends, I only wished for the misunderstanding to somehow be forgotten over time, than to have the truth throw some unknown surprises at me! I have to take a neutral stance and cannot take sides since both are my friends and rather than jeopardizing my friendship with either one, what I hope to achieve is to help reconcile the 2 of them. By not having an opinion makes me a self-restrained individual?

Perhaps those ain't very good examples. I see myself as self-restrained especially when I'm with my colleagues. I don't talk much because I ain't sure when and what I say is not going to sit well with anyone. Not to say my colleagues are such sensitive people but just that its really different compared to being in my ex-firm. My current environment is probably a much better reflection of what a workplace is like. I haven't learnt the art of communicating the way I should in such an environment, hence I choose to watch and learn and progress slowly. My colleagues can call me quiet for all they like but it beats having them repeat all the stories for decades to come.

Yes, I am self-restrained. There are a lot of things which I don't say simply because of FEAR. Not knowing what will happen after I say certain things, I just simply don't say them or just state the opposite. That's just the silly side of me at work. Sometimes, I think too much of what the outcome might be and not wanting to be faced with a negative result, I keep things to myself. I really ought not to be like this, since you never know the outcome till you've tried. Moreover, life is too short for regrets. What if the outcome is good instead? This is something which I have to do something about... so do tell me when I'm too self-restrained and remind me constantly k!

Its been said that only true friends are frank to you. I've found another true fren =)

Friends... losing them

Lately, I've been feeling that its getting more and more difficult to sustain all my friendships.. I'm not sure who has changed.. issit me or issit them? It doesn't help that there are external factors at play breaking up those strong friendships forged.

We used to be a grp of 4, hanging out together almost every other week.. A misunderstanding caused a strain between 2 and left the other 2 clueless at how to help resolve the tension... I really enjoy the camaraderie amongst us.. and this is the best chill-out grp.. everyone's easy-going.. now friday nites will never be the same again.. i dun have the slightest idea how long it will take for the air to clear up..

Was out with a couple of really close galfrens but i felt displaced.. i wasn't keen in their chat topics and neither were they with mine.. we had earlier arranged a gathering with some others on cny's eve, but one of them decided to change her mind.. followed by another and naturally the 3rd one as well.. when the 1st changed her mind, i was pretty upset and disappointed.. it ain't the first time this has happened.. thereafter whatever I said was filled with sarcasm.. i tried to restrain myself, and only calmed down after a while..

真是我变了吗？有时候真的还蛮讨厌自己的。。

现在心情真得很差很差。。 只想静静的坐着，一面听着音乐、望着夕阳西下，一面喝着酒。。好想好想登上油轮在那无边无际的海洋上漂泊。。

为何心情总是如此低落？又再次起了那想逃离这地方的念头。。

这是命运的宽容还是另一次不怀好意的玩笑？真的真的很累了。。

The Journey Begins

After attending mass on a regular basis for about a year, I finally began my RCIA journey. Its about time I started to find out more and gain a deeper understanding of the faith. Its going to be a 15 month commitment and I have no idea if I will be able to last through the whole period, but I believe His Lord's grace will be upon me, to give me the strength and also the occassional push to keep me going. I'm really thankful for Joyce gladly agreed to be my sponsor. Its also going to be a long drawn journey for her to have to be there with me through the 15 months. I feel bad for having to occupy her sunday evenings in this manner =\

I've been asked countless times why I turned to Christianity, and in particular, Catholicism. I ain't able to give any concrete reasons but will state what led me in this direction cos I know that if I don't, couple years down the road, I would've clean forget about them.

Back then, I was down and out. Life was at the lowest it could get. I just needed to find peace. Also, I had lost my direction. I no longer knew what was my purpose on Earth. Hence, I turned to Christianity. All along, I had wanted to find out more about this religion because I was intrigued by it. The weekly mass allowed me to find the peace I seek. I was told that I could have found that in any other religion, not necessarily Christianity. But I was led in that direction and I followed.

How it all began? My lack of understanding of the religion was perhaps the reason that led to my life being thrown into a mess. So I resolved to find out about the religion. I asked around. I had a weird dream one night. I dreamt of the book "A purpose driven life". The one in my dream was a pure white copy. (don't tink it exists) The next day, SX told me about the book and offered to lend me her copy if I wanted to read it. I never knew of the existence of such a book and had also made no mention of my dream to anyone. For a whole week, my dreams were all pure and white. Subconciously, according to my friend, I had gone to work dressed in white that entire week. Perhaps I was so desperate in searching for serenity, purity, calm and peace that even the images conjoured up in my dreams were as such.

I've visited many Churches, so why Catholicism, why OLPS? Frankly, I ain't sure if I truly agree with the Catholic doctrine as compared to that of the other Christian denominations. But the feel I get is that Catholicism emphasies more on the family unit and I feel really at ease when in Church, even when I have to attend mass on my own. No offence to anyone, but sometimes I feel that some of the Churches are more like a gathering place for young people.

My learning has kinda stagnated since I couldn't really comprehend the Gospel on my own. Some of the things done during mass, I also don't understand its significance. I know RCIA will enrich me in alot of ways, whether or not eventually I choose to get baptised. This is one thing I like about the Catholic Church. They put you through a long course, to give you the time to understand before you make a deicision on whether to get baptised or not.

Thus far, Christianity has had positive effects on me. The weekly reflections really allow me to identify my own short-comings and address them. I've also learnt to be more tolerant and have been more able to curb my short-temperament. The most significant lesson I've learnt: "LOVE OTHERS JUST AS JESUS LOVES YOU". This include loving your enemies, loving people who have done you wrong.

鸭子，dodo bird, 乌龟，海龟

The gathering of the 'famous 4'! LoL. Weird names? Dun ask me why. Can't really recall how the nicks came about... ...

Some background.. 乌龟 and 海龟 used to sit behind 鸭子 and dodo bird back in sec school and they never failed to irriate one another by being super 鸟！It all started from 海龟, and the 'skill' got passed on to the others, with 鸭子 emerging as the top disciple. Since then, 海龟 stepped down and passed the throne over to 鸭子. All the 鸟-ing binded these 4 frens, even up till today...

Its been a while since all 4 of us gathered. It was so great that 乌龟 managed to join us for supper. The moment we saw her, we all had the same thought, 乌龟 had the Sammi Cheng's seh, because of the color of her hair. But 乌龟 had violent objections about this comparison since she relates Sammi to techno songs, something which certainly doesn't appeal to her. She protested, and protested. Lol.

We'd all tamed down quite a lot where 鸟-ing was down to an all-time low. Perhaps we've all grown up and matured. A good sign. Heh.

An enjoyable evening, managed to vent all the pent up anger in me and felt so much better after. Only thing was that I seemed to have eaten a little too much, to the extent that I wanted to puke! Binge Binge Binge. Gotta stop. Gained so much weight that I'm so disgusted at myself already.. Arrghhhh!