Disgruntled soul?

I feel like the most disgruntled person on Earth. I have no idea why I seem so discontended with my life. I seem to be complaining about everything and anything. Hmmm... is there something very wrong with me?

Sometimes I really don't know what it is that I want. When my manager didn't do anything about my request, I complained. But when he did, I wasn't happy either. Instead I went into one of those moods again, where all I want is to shut out the world completely. Now, all the relevant ppl know about my request, and its up to me to continue pushing for it. But I am having second thoughts again, as I always do. I'm supposed to arrange a session to discuss this, but I can't even convince myself, how do I expect to convince those ppl up there? I'm vexed yet again... ... There's still alot of things holding me back in SG, greatest of all is fear. Fear of not knowing what my future beholds. Thinking is such an exhaustive task. Its worse than having to work till 3am.

I used to think I have my life all planned out ahead. But it seems otherwise. I don't know who I am , or what my goal is... or where I'm headed in life. Or just anything. I don't have the slightest clue at all. And I hate this uncertainty! I'm going crazy just trying to make some sense out of this uncertainty.

Just hoping that some light can be shed on where I should head next and relieve me of some of the stress I'm facing right now...

Genting Highlands getaway

Went up to the Highlands with a couple of frens (2 gals, 1 guy) over the weekend for a short getaway. I can't really recall the last time I was there, but it's easily at least 10 yrs ago! The whole landscape of that place has changed sooo much that I no longer recognise it.. The thing I hate most about going across the causeway is the toilets. They're often so dirty and stink but yet one doesn't have a choice of not visiting the loo. I understand that these toilets are being used by tonnes of ppl every day and nite, so it ain't easy to maintain the cleanliness... but the stench is realli realli unbearable.

Overnight coach ride and we got in ard 5 odd in the morn. As the coach travelled up, the night view is actually rather pretty... bright lights coming from the buildings from the town at the bottom of the hill.. What I recall of the past was that it was all trees that we saw on the way up... no nice night view or watsoever. Since it was still too early and we cldn't check in, we lugged our bags along with us as we strolled around in the nice, cool weather. Managed to catch the breaking of dawn. Haven't caught dawn break in a while, not after PS left, cos all the stayovers ceased.

After checking-in, we spent the day in the themepark. I was actually persuaded into taking the roller-coaster and space shot rides! When I was in Australia 10 years back, I so wanted to take all those exciting rides in Dreamworld, but cos I had no company, I din try them. But over here, where the rides are more mild, I actually hesitated. Age must have really caught up with me. *LOL* The view from the top of the space shot ride was exhilarating. But the anticipation of the free fall almost 'killed' me. Am glad I took those rides though. It was so much fun!! But I won't dare say I am able to take such rides again without any apprehension.

As we all know movie tix are cheaper in M'sia, we decided to catch a show. It was a Chinese comedy called '2 become 1'. It was a really hilarious show!! And the following got me thinking.. "sometimes, we're not hiding from others, but instead, we're hiding from ourselves"..

We went outdoors again after dinner. It had become sooo misty that visibility was greatly reduced. Winds were strong but not chilly. I so love the cool weather, perhaps abt the only thing I like about Genting.

The only guy who went with us... he's a joker. The way he says and does things never fail to make us burst out in laughter. He has something to say about everything, be it the place, the food, the thing we do... He looks the bit like everyone he's trying to impersonate. So there, we had our entertainer for the weekend.

The escape from reality was shortlived. Monday's here again... ...

Beliefs

9 mths back, I began my journey with God. I do not think that I have made tremendous progression, but I do know that this is the path I have choosen to take, regardless of how ardous it might be because of the oppostion from my parents who're staunch Buddhists.

I've always held a very open mind towards religion because I feel that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. The only time I truly believed in Buddhism was when my grandparents passed away. I believe because I wanted the rituals, that were meant to pave a smooth journey for them in the next phase of their lives, to hold true.

Things changed 9 months back. I suffered a setback that plunged me into an abyss for the longest time ever. I suffered from depression, but was blessed enough to have the relentless support from family and friends to tide me through that dark period of my life. At that point in time, what I needed was peace, inner peace. I asked my Christian friends to let me tag along with them to Church and also found out more about the religion from them. The weekly mass/service I attended then allowed me to find the peace I seek through God. Someone told me that no matter what belief it might be, I can find peace given my state of my mind then. Why do I need to start believing in something different? Perhaps that was true, but somehow, the events that took place brought me to God to find peace through Him. Hence, the decision to choose to walk the journey with Him.

The Christain faith itself is divided into several factions. I've visited churches of the various factions, and finally settled with Catholicism. It is where I feel most comfortable in, no doubt, largely attributable to J. Just last night, I was asked to join the mass at the Church Camp. I observed one of the sharing sessions and the questions posed were really food for thought. Heard of the song 'Perfect' by Simple Plan? Who is the 1st person who comes to mind when listening to the song? Strangely and I still don't know why he was the 1st person who came to mind.

Knowing that I have been going to mass for some time already, D told me that if I feel ready, I can go before the altar and be blessed. My mind then raced. The question that crossed my mind was more about my parents' reactions (mum thought I had stopped going to Church) than whether I was ready. I suppose I felt ready some time ago. Last night, was then the 1st time I went up to the altar to be blessed by the Priest. I felt that I had taken another baby step. =)

The anorexic phase is back

Right. I feel anorexic again. My frens might want to dismiss the word 'again' cos they would think that its normal for me to eat very little or not eat at all. But that's not the case. I ain't really sure when it started, perhaps back from Uni days?? There'll always be certain periods of time where no matter how hungry I am, I can't eat. I just hate food. Of course, I'll try to make myself eat, but I can only eat very little, or I know I'll throw up because I have thrown up before. But the throwing up part happened only when I was in depression. Right now, its just not having the appetite to eat. I don't know why this happen at all? I was asked if I was too stressed, but I don't reckon so since there's nothing for me to be stressed over!! Work has really toned down lots by now, studies wise, I don't really stress about it since it is by personal choice that I am sitting for the exam, no one to give me the pressure that I HAVE to pass it. Hence, I really have no idea. Its super unhealthy I know, but its a phase, that happens periodically. Joyce suggested that I might wan to consider seeing a doctor, but that hasn't really crossed my mind, YET.

Just this week, been out with them twice and they witnessed my anorexic syndromes. Once was on Wednesday when we went to catch V for Vendatta. The dialogue of the movie intrigued me, but it wasn't easily understood, at least I don't really understand. But I know it'll be scary should the world turn to become what the show depicted it to be. After the show, we went for dinner and all I had was a salad and a piece of cake. The worse thing was, I couldn't finish the salad, neither the cake.

Another was last night when we went blading. It was meant to be a healthy night since I felt that I had imbibed one too many drinks last week. Managed to convince 2 non-bladers to go blading together and off we went. They fell a couple of times but luckily nothing serious. Haven't bladed in a while so really really enjoyed it last night. The cool night breeze, the fact that I exercised, the company of friends... They have decided to make it a weekly thing, and I hope it will work out because blading could be about the only 'land' sports that I enjoy. After blading, we went for dinner at the hawker. I sat down and commented that I ain't hungry. They were all taken aback and said in unison, "again?" I just didn't have the appetite. I ordered noodles, but ate less than half of it. They were saying that its really unhealthy. Ya, I know that, but forcing myself to finish the food will only cause me to end up puking. I suppose at least I managed to eat a little which was better than nothing. The healthy night din last. We went off to cosy bay and had a beer each. It has been ages since I've last been there. It hasn't changed a bit all these years. Still the nice comfy, cosy place that it has always been =)

Let's hope this unhealthy phase passes by really quickly... ...

Where are you stranger?

In search of the stranger who is my best fren and in whom I find comfort. Where have you gone to, stranger?

Did I do things right?

The 2 weeks wait is finally over. My manager's back from reservist, so I decided to get in touch with him again. A few days back, I had told PS that I'm going to talk to him and officially put the request through, give them a lag time of 2 weeks, before I start doing anything on my own. Indeed, I kept to what I have said, and went back to the office specially to speak to my manager. But after its done, I start asking myself if that was the right thing to do and could there have been a better way to go about it?

Why the hint of regret over my actions? I thought that I might have made things go out of hand. My manager was nice enough to go through all the possible questions that might follow this request, in a bid to pre-empt whatever that could happen next. But he himself was very unsure for this is the first time a junior staff has made such a request. I guess I have to be the most troublesome staff ever. From what he said, I gathered that things don't look too good. He's still going to help me in whatever ways he can but, even he himself don't know where to start. I was asked, should my request not be met, what am I going to do? It sounded as though I might have to leave the firm should my request not be met. Somewhat like being black-marked for making such a request? Resign or continue hanging around? I really have no idea either. I could and should have just tried sending in applications overseas on my own without going through the firm. Save me from being singled-out by the firm and leaving the firm quietly should I be accepted somewhere else would be preferred. But too late, been there done that. There's no turning back now. Just hope that things will not be as bad as I think they are.

Another thing is that, since I have made the formal request, should they be able to offer me something, I do not have the liberty to reject already. Ya, so I've got one foot in and there's really no turning me back. Sounds like I am still thinking about my decision to leave. Perhaps its the fear of losing things that I have/might have that makes me think twice. Everything's so uncertain that I don't know what factors to consider even. But Uncle tim's right, the best decision is the one that I have made and I believe I will be guided to make the right one.

Halo Bar

Had a facial appointment at 10 tis morn, but when I woke up, it was already 11am. Heh.. came back too early tis morn, and the result is oversleeping.

It was a fun night out with the Sept 6 run. Haven had a run outing in a while. Though the numbers have dwindled, nonetheless the core group of people were still there. The gathering was for the celebration of paw's and sh's bdaes. Dinner was set at 730, but as typical professionals who have endless work to finish and enjoy dilly-dallying, we finally settled down for dinner at Marche only at 9pm. Everyone was starved by then and it was evident from the way we gobbled down our food. ^^

After much deliberation, we headed down to Halo Bar for some drinks. The most amazing thing, Halo Bar is located right smack in Ngee Ann Poly. I never thought that such a thing could happen in Singapore, like there being a pub located inside the compounds of a tertiary institution!! Actually, none of us believed it till we got there. Even the cab driver was questioning us. He thought we were such hardworking students, going back to school so late in the night. Hehe..

Halo Bar turned out to be a KTV place. YEAH!! I had been itching to sing for a very very long time already but never managed to fix a time with my frens. So, some things always turn out better when left unplanned =) We had to split into 2 rooms because 1) the room was too small to accomodate all 15 of us in it, 2) the smokers were being considerate. But it was kinda off to split up. I was of course in the room with all the non-smokers and we were happily singing away. Then I decided to go over to the 'smokers' room. Bad decision. First was that the room was so smoky, it hurt the eyes. Then it was all the drinks I had to imbibe although little compared to the others. But I have never been a good drinker. Those in this room were all so high that it was quite a hilarious sight. Never seen SH like he was last night. He was high till he actually sang!! Sean also sang. The most amazing thing was not that he could sing but that he could read the chinese words!

The bar closed around 230am, and we adjourned outside to chit chat since those who drove had to sober up before leaving. Paw's fren said I look like tis other gal, who was some hall sports queen. Hahha, thx for the compliment, but I think its jus cos it was too dark that he couldn't see clearly. It was quite nice to have the whole group of us seated there, chatting away. Plus, I quite like the environment there too. Thx to SL's bf who 'allowed' us to join him there. Those ppl wouldn't be leaving till like after 4am where the possibility of there being a roadblock is much lower. I wouldn't have mind staying on, but Gail wanted to leave already, so I left with her. =)

cOmfOrt Of strAngerS

A friend sent me the mp3. Before hearing the song, the title caught my attention. Comfort of strangers... Hmm.. issit really easier to pour all your sorrows and complains to a person you hardly know cos tis other person isn't involved in ur life in any manner?? Does it constitute finding comfort in strangers? I thought it was perhaps due to 2 ppl being able to hit it off right from the start, and perhaps share similar viewpoints about issues. Am I not right? *Ponder* Here's the lyrics:

I know the stars that shine on me,
Are brighter than you or I could ever be.
I know there's an answer to your question,
But I don't know if I could word it right.

Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
I'm not sure that I should say it out loud,
Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Right at this time, I'm gonna keep that in mind

One love, is better than not enough
I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff
Just the comfort of strangers
Always the comfort of strangers
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

I know the sun that shines on me,
Has better times than you or I could ever be,
I know there's an answer to the question,
and I'm not sure that I should word it right,

Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Everytime your gonna set me free,
Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Right this time, let's take it right home to see

One love is better than not enough
I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff,
It's just the comfort of strangers
Oh it's the comfort of strangers

Why, some of those are like best friends, best friends,
Ones that keep you coming round again

~~ By Beth Orton

After listening to the song, first thing, I am reminded of was the fact that my organ has been left collecting dust for the past (lost count) no. of years. I ought to get it fixed so that I have something to do during my freetime.

"One love is better than not enough. I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff." Can't agree more with these 2 lines. Having one love, one true love, that's it. Love can be all sweet and nice but it ain't something to be messed around with because of the painful consequences that could result. To not have to suffer from the hurt and pain that comes with love, don't ever fall in love till you're really sure. Then again, who can be really sure of anything in this world? Hmm... strangers are like best friends. Why so? Food for thought...

Its been a while

Julia's back in town for a holiday, so the 'Rovers' met up for a short dinner. 'Rovers' in inverted commas because none of us are involved any longer and there were only 6 of us there, down from over 10 of us. Haven met them all in a while, especially Julia who last came back perhaps sometime in 04. If I do recall correctly, this is the first time she's actually back for a longer period of a week. It was fun catching up with her life given that I hadn't even know that she had graduated and is now into cancer research. Rare few, though without her partner, was still as rare with her often hilarious comments that never failed to tickle us. I was of course updated with the latest in the others' lives too. Zhu has given in and is switching jobs to be working under another fren of ours. Quite queer, but I'm happy for her since she has managed to leave the 'dark side'. *haha* Waiting for my opportunity to escape from the 'evil clutches of the dark force'.

It was pleasant meeting up with old friends, but I seem to have grown distant from the rest of them who have grown closer together. The only reason I could give myself was perhaps I had changed. *shrug* Should perhaps reflect on this.

But now, its back to work!

Memories of the past

When people talk about moving on in their lives and forgetting the past, do they really forget their past? Are memories so easily erased? Is it better to keep these memories of the past, or to erase them all and live as though you had no past?

I don't have any answers to the above questions. There's this show "Eternal Sunshine of the Open Mind" starring Jim Carrey as Joel Barish, Kate Winslet as Clementine. I haven't actually watched this show but HX told me about it and I think it'll make an interesting watch. The story is about how Clementine went to get her memory erased via a surgical procedure after a failed relationship with Joel. When Joel found out, he too underwent the same procedure. Half-way through, when he remembered the happy memories of them being together, he decided he didn't want to continue with the erasure procedure anymore.

It's great isn't it, should there be such a surgical procedure that can erase all the memories that you don't want residing in your brain. Life could become a lot simpler since whatever you don't want to remember can just be removed as and when you like it. But won't one feel a sense of emptiness if there are no memories to reminisce about? And happenings of the past usually serve to make one grow stronger and more mature don't they? It's what happened in the past that shapes one's future, right?

I still get flashbacks of the past and am still affected by them, though very much less strongly than before. There are still a lot of tangible things from the past sitting around, but they no longer hold any meaning, which is why I don't see the need to get rid of them. However, it is the intangibles that I'm more afraid of. Words can still cause me to tear. The intangibles are what I am trying to rid myself of, some can be easily gotten rid of, but others, I wonder if a lifetime is sufficient? Actually it doesn't matter whether they are easy or difficult to get rid of, cos its more of whether I want to be rid of them. Truth is I don't. Instead of simply 'deleting' them away from my memory, I would rather I be able to face up to them one day and yet feel nothing about them at all. I am still in the process but the end should be near. I know because I could firmly say that whatever that's happened is all in the past and I have gotten over the past. Will continue to strive to overcome the past instead of erasing those memories. For once, I ain't hiding, but facing up to reality!!

Is it finally over??

This has really got to be my best week ever in 2 months. I get in to work ard 930 and I get off work by ard 530. =) Is it the end of peak already? If only every other week is like this!! I finally got to rest, or did I?? I still stayed up as late, this time trying to flip through my lvl 2 notes. Oh man, why was I so confident of myself to actually register for the exam?? After going thru one chapter, I told myself I'm a goner. Leave is going to be wasted on studying and so will I be wasting USD440. Only consolation, the topics are really interesting stuff, knowledge which I would very much like to pick up.

Everything's pretty quiet this week, till this morn. Got a really rude shock! My mum almost got knock down right in front of my eyes. I really don't know if she was dreaming. It was really obvious that there were 2 red cars approaching and were very near to us already, but my mum still stepped onto the road, trying to cross it. The driver sounded his horn so loudly and had to swerve his car into the next lane. Luckily, there wasn't any oncoming traffic, so no one was hurt. Life is truly vulnerable I suppose. Anything can happen to anyone anytime. I'm glad nothing happened this time round.

Yippee!! PS has finally confirmed her return date to SG, over X'mas and new year!! Looking forward to you returning!! and perhaps our trip to Melb as well =)