SIGH!!!

That's all I feel like doing right now. Nothing else but sigh. I shouldn't really be feeling this way, given that I just came back from a dinner + coffee treat. It was certainly an enjoyable evening with the team but the thot that 2 of them are calling it quits in a month's time is really kinda demoralising. To add on, a 3rd one leaving is on the cards. The team is really splitting up. Of course I'm happy for these individuals who've managed to find a way out and to greener pastures. But at the same time, it just got me wondering, what exactly do I want? What exactly am I working towards? I know this is perhaps the umpteenth time that I am asking myself this question but there still doesn't seem to be an answer.

Here I am sitting at my table, looking at the job adverts I have cut out from the papers. But as I read thru them and re-read again all the job descriptions, I wonder if any of those jobs are what I am looking for. Right now, I seem to want to apply for most jobs under the sun just so that, hopefully, I'll get an offer and I can finally leave this place. Really, its the push factors. I am simply being PUSHED out cause I know I don't want to be here anymore. But where should I head to next? I really have no idea. SIGH... ... I am kind of tempted to call it quits as well. Then take my time to decide where next to head to or perhaps to continue studying. But studying is just a temporary escape from the reality of having to work for that couple of years. After that, the whole cycle begins again. I can't continue with studying indefinitely as well. Perhaps, the whole reality of having grown up and stepping into the working world hasn't set in really well.

Is it because I am not easily contended and satisfied with what I have in life. Am I trying too hard to be what I am not? I have fellow peers who seem quite fine with everything right now but I seem to be the only one who's complaining day after day. Is there something wrong with me or what?

SIGH SIGH SIGH... ... ...

Bosses chose a really good time to come by and check on us... Fri afternoon.. and they stayed till like 7 odd. After they left, we still had to clear those queries of theirs. For goodness sake, its a Friday!! I seriously think I've been programmed to stop working by around 7 latest, on a Friday. So ya, I was kinda not too happy about it. And because they left so late, I couldn't make it back to see another manager, which means I've got to wait another 2 weeks cause he's going to be out of office. I've got really important matters to talk about to the manager, and now I've gotta wait. Really bad timing. Never mind, let's just hope my patience will pay off.

Had a short chat with the co's sales manager and one of the sales rep. The sales manager is such a nice lady. Its always so much fun talking to her and she's always so willing to help. She had 3 frens who used to be in my line but all 3 have since left and are in very diverse fields now. So she encouraged me to pursue my interests instead of slogging my life away doing something I don't have the interest in. They were chasing me to go home too simply because its a Friday and I was going to be the last one left in the office. I was even offered a ride out of the industrial park. =)

My plan for the weekend was to finish up all the backlog that I've been carrying forward so that I'll have time to start with my studies. But the plan doens't seem to be falling into place. I see work piling up once more. *Sighz*

I've sorta hit quarter life crisis, whining everyday to frens about not knowing what I want in my life, about how terrible my job is, about all the nasty and CMI people I meet etc etc. I always have something to complain about. Sometimes, I think they are all sick and tired of my constant nonsensical whining.

Just recently, I've had to make a huge decision on what next to do about my life. I went through the entire thought process over and over again and asking frens similar questions day in day out that I guess would have so irritated even the most patient one. But I'm lucky to be blessed with supportive frens ard me, willing to lend me their listening ears anytime I needed them and knock some sense into me when I go off the track. Just when I thought I had made up my mind, these good frens of mine, wanting me to be really sure of my choice, started questioning me again making me go through the ardous thought process once more. But it only meant one thing - that I still wasn't sure.

So I spent last nite at hx's place, toking about the same old things all over again. She asked, "Are you just looking for something to fill up the void in life right now such that you're making such a hasty decision?" I perhaps am looking for something to fill the void, or just looking for a change in surroundings, in a way to try to start life anew. But I'm sure its not a hasty decision. What do people do to fill up the void in their lives then? Look for new activities to engage in? Look for a special someone who can keep them company? The first option is a much sensible choice to me though I would love to pick the 2nd. The second option's too risky because there's another party involved. There's no sure way of knowing who that special someone's gonna be and should it turn out otherwise, one party, or even both parties could be hurt. 'Hurt' is a frightful word that sends shiver down my spine. After toking through things, and making known my fears, I felt much better. I felt more certain about things and sorted out the tangled mess in my head. Maybe, like what hx said, I already knew what I had to do, I just needed her to reinforce my decisions. Whatever it might be, gal, I still thank you for the hours spent sitting by the pool, listening to me.

PS, I had promised to send off the mail to my manager and I've done that. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that I won't be 'grilled' too badly for all my frequent requests. Wonder what my manager thinks of me - the problematic staff perhaps? Another senior just told me that he's going to leave the firm despite the fact that he's gonna be taking a severe pay-cut. Well, I told him at least he's going to be doing what he enjoys while I'm still stuck. Kinda sad when all these seniors, and its always the nicer ones, are leaving one by one. Its really demoralising. Had previously been complaining abt this other senior of mine. Come to think of it, he ain't that bad. At least he bothers to 'check' in on how I am handling the work given that he's on reservist now. Not that he's helping with anything, but just dropping smses. Still it beats not bothering right. So he gets credit for that.

I came to discover that I seem to be portraying a side of me to others that ain't what I really am. PS sent me the link of her Johari and Nohari windows, so I decided I could make use of it to find out what others actually think I am like. So far I've got 2 responses and they're way off my own perceptions. Does that mean I don't understand myself or have I been trying to be someone that I am not. These 2 frens just refused to do the one on the negative attributes though. Hmm, does that mean I don't have any negative attributes? C'mon, we all know that is just impossible. They're perhaps just being nice. =) But I would really want to know more about myself, both the +ves Johari and -ves Nohari.

What am I doing, up so early in the morn? Heh, actually I just got back. Had so much fun tonight!! One of the rare occassions I could get the car, so decided to go up Mt Faber for some drinks at Altivo. I just love that place. Nice (though not fantastic) scenery, music that's easy on the ears and of course, the wonderful company consisting of the usual gang. =) I'm the kind who likes to sit back, relax and chit chat with frens over drinks at a place with great ambience. Altivo really fits the bill for me. I fell in love with that place the very first time I was there. Just that it's quite a hassle trying to get up that little mountain and parking the car. I confess that I am a ROAD HAZARD cos my driving skills are terribly terribly bad! I'm sure all the passengers could attest to that ^^ But nonetheless, I still managed to get us around safely.

We had the nice cushion seats and took a couple of photos courtesy of 'auntie's' camera. It really was jus a few shots since the batt was running out. Had nice chats with them too, especially 'auntie' whom I've not spoken to in a long long while that she's not updated about anything at all. You ought to join us more often!! *tsk tsk*

After drinks, we were torn between going for supper and heading to Sentosa. I was fine with both ideas and being the driver, I was just waiting for them to come to a consensus. But time was not on our side. I didn't want to return home too late or I'm gonna have trouble answering to my bro and getting the car out again. So we headed down to Boon Lay for the FAMOUS nasi lemak!! Used to have that for supper back during Uni days. It's been a while since. Hence, though I have been trying to cut-down on my intake of food, I just couldn't miss the chance of having that nasi lemak cos there's no knowing when I'll be going back there again! Sinful though..

Here, starts my long journey home.. jurong east to bukit batok west to tampines ave 3 to hougang ave 8 and finally punggol. All the way from the far west to the north east. Was so tired along the way and made SH talk to me all the while, in case I doze of and swerve. Infact, keep going out of lane. Still prefer being chauffered though having a car provides one with more convenience.

Great chill out nite. Temporarily removed me from the realities of life and frustration of work! YEAH!!!

I spent the weekend hibernating. Hadn't slept so much in a while that I wasn't really quite used to it. In fact, it made things worse this week, cause I just felt even more tired instead of feeling recharged. Of course, I tried to take the opportunity to do some thinking but it never really worked, cause I'm still kinda lost.

I think I really had enough at work. Either that all I'm so tired that the wire in me has fused. Can sense my change in attitude towards work. I just don't seem to bother already and am starting to talk back to my seniors. Or maybe just this one. Basically a nice senior, but really, rules are dead but we're not!! There's no need to follow the guide right down to every single word!! It's not the Bible and even with the Bible, people don't go scrutinising every other word in it!! I was almost driven nuts by the nitty gritty details that the senior required me to take note of. Not like I don't have enough on my hands already. I can't stand 'yes' man. Should you think that its not possible than voice it out!! Why keep saying yes and kill yourself having to fulfill what you've promised. Certain things are really not 'do-able'!! Actually I don't know who's getting on whose nerves actually. Heh.. cos I think my attitude's really bad. But sometimes I really get quite irritated being interrupted in my train of thought just to take care of some minor details. I feel kind of being driven up the wall at work. I can't wait to leave!! Can some other company please employ me!!

Besides work, everything else is just great (minus the thinking part of course). Parents are away in cold cold Hokkaido enjoying those huge, delicious hairy crabs. In a way, kind of enjoyed being home alone though it also got me to appreciate them and my brothers even more! No one to my laudry for the week, so me and bro had to wash the clothes on our own. While waiting for my bro to be done with his, I took a nap. When I woke up, my clothes had been washed!! Mind you, the washing machine in my house is like a flower pod. We hand-wash all the clothes, so I was really touched by what my bro did. He must have pitied me for all the late nights I've been keeping cos of work.

Mid-week, I shifted to stay at da ge's place. I get sent and picked up from work everyday. Then we'll head out for dinner with my nephew. Back at his place, the study is like MY room. No one ever comes in to bother me. It feels as though I'm staying alone in a way. How nice. This is the kind of life I like. But I can't stay here indefinitely. Not very nice to impose on my bro and sis-in-law. Was supposed to spend tis week discussing about my options with my bro and seek some advice. He's not of much help, no advice also. He's leaving it all up to me... Have yet to ask him if my mum has been talking to him about me. Hmm.. seems like no time for that.

Now, I need to go back to work.. tho I'm feeling sooo sleepy I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open.. ZzzZZzzz...

Now, I really kinda feel burnt-out. So a month is about all I can withstand. Those long working days of ard 15+ hours and short sleeping hours of ard 5hrs. Ain't proportionately distributed at all. No wonder I feel dead. I really mean it. I could so sleep in the club I went to last nite amidst the loud thumping music.

I have no idea why I give the impression as being a very career-minded and career-driven person when in actuality, I don't think it is so. Frens think that my wanting to leave for greener pastures is because I know what I want to achieve out of my career. But its only because I don't want to be where I am right now. Its more of push than pull factors that's driving me away from staying status quo. And I dunno why, I am searching for the very reasons for everything to remain as it has always been. Perhaps, I am just afraid of change. I don't know what and how these changes are going to affect me both now and in the future. It's the fear of the unknown that is holding me back. But many have told me that I am still young and blessed to be without the burden of any liability on hands. Thus, I should just go ahead and try out new things in new places. Easier said then done.

I guess I have made my decision about certain things. Its just trying to ensure that its really what I want and not to regret any of the decisions made. This weekend is going to be spent hibernating to recuperate and re-evaluating my life. Wish me luck ^^