All I'm thinking of..

Sleep.. that's about the only thing I did this weekend.. This is how tired I am.. or perhaps its just that I don't want to be awake and thinking of all the work that's waiting for me.. sigh..

I was resigned to working late in the office on Fri nite.. felt too exhausted to go anywhere nor was I in the mood to be out there amongst the crowds.. Just then, received a call from 乌龟 asking me out for dinner.. it was a much welcomed distraction that came at the precise moment!

It was a session where we both just let out all our work grouses.. we're both keeping our fingers crossed and hoping for the results we want that would come sometime mid next year.. hoping for the best..

When it was time for us to leave, we dreaded to head home.. we wanted to be home to rest and have time for ourselves.. but we also know that going home means having to start working on all those stuff we had brought along to be completed over the weekend!! Arrghhhhhh!!

I know I complain too much about my work.. but if its as simple as saying "I quit", I would've done that.. but there's alot more to consider.. words are spoken loosely and easily.. its putting it into action that's difficult..

是我变了吗？

当了11年的好朋友，但最近因为时间不允许，就少来往了些。在一次聚在一起时，感觉变得很生疏。好难过。。。 不知道是不是自己变了， 才会和朋友的距离拉得越来越远。好想好想能真正的和朋友们轻松的聚一聚。最近的压力真的快让我窒息了。在无能控制的情况下，躲到角落偷偷哭泣的次数频频增加，身体也有承受不住的现象。让自己也担心起来了。。。

最初把时间排得满满的出发点是想让自己的生活一点空当的时间都没有，才不会有多余的时间去胡思乱想。久而久之，却似乎是在将自己封锁起来而利用工作来麻醉自己。我以为自己能够适应这样的生活。但现在却找不到坚持下去的勇气！朋友认为我最荒谬的理论- 若是生活在一个有亲朋好友围绕的地方还是感觉到孤单寂寞，那我宁愿到一个没人认识我的地方生活。至少我知道孤单与寂寞是理所当然的。

或许失去了人生的方向盘就是这样吧。常常都只想一个人躲起来。已经尽力在寻找方向，但还是毫无头绪。真的很累了，累得无法在支撑下去了。至少宛萍能理解。真的很谢谢她一再的支持与鼓励。。

其实真的很高兴今年在工作上所得到的认同。至少这么多年来的努力没白费。但是这一切都是用了其他东西换来的 - 健康，幸福，睡眠，时间等。要得到就必须付出，我理解了。今天的一切结果都是因我自己所做出的选择，因此我不会为所失去的责怪任何人。就当是要让我学着成长的必经之路吧！而我现在要做出的选择就是放弃这一切。就当是我没那能耐，也没那能力在现在的领域里获得骄人的成就， 所以就选择退出。已失去了许多才选择放弃，是有点傻，有点可惜，但我只想找回平凡的我。可能是因为最近有位好友让我听了《领悟》。。我领悟了。

就如她说的，换个环境也许对我而言会较好。我不在顾虑这么多了。会放胆去试一试。并不是我要离开就能的哟。大概在半年后才会知道吧。

Its SOOOO real

Its time finance texts are re-written. The unthinkable, unimaginable has all happened! The question is, what next? I recall finance texts clearly touting that 2 US mortgage giants, Freddie and Fannie are akin to risk-free treasuries.. there's no risk of default.. then they got into trouble when property values started plummeting.. they were at risk of defaulting! Then came the BIG 5 Investment Banks of Wall Street that once seem so formidable, each with over a hundred years of history... that just kinda fizzled out... first up, Bear Stearns was acquired by JPM, then Lehman just collapsed overnight... Merill got acquired by BOA... the remaining 2 opted to become deposit-taking banks overseen by the Fed Reserve thereafter.. (ie. no more BIG 5!) Something closer to home.. Insuarance Giant AIG could not meet its obligations.. All these and more happened in the short span of slightly over a year..

But the man on the street here probably still wasn't aware how this will affect him... it still seemed so far away... if not for my job, I might be one of the few oblivious one..

Now it has finally hit home... job cuts are for real, in the very firm I work for... in a couple of hours' time, the names will be released.. everyone had been on tenterhooks over this week, not knowing if they're one of those on the list.. the fear and uncertainty was written over everyone's faces.. Initially, I wasn't really worried at all.. Worst case, I'll take it as a well-deserved break.. but the atmosphere in the office is just too tensed! Everyone.. from clients to friends.. the first question will always be, "so how? are you ok?" Everyone has got me very worried now! But looking on the bright side.. I'm lucky to still be young, and free from any debts.. and perhaps this will help speed up the decision process on applying for JET.

Tmrw's gonna be the most ironic day of the year.. a lunch treat which was planned for long ago by those who got promoted mid-year is scheduled for tmrw.. aft lunch, HR will be dropping by.. there'll be a hairy crab session in the evening.. frankly, who in the world has the appetite to eat during lunch? probably the hearts are all beating in the throats alr.. who'll have the appetite to still have hairy crabs after the news?? even if you're not one of those on the list.. u'll be sad for those who've been asked to leave!

One thing I learn this time round.. don't ever take things for granted.. what's yours today might not be yours the next.. doesn't matter how hard you work or how good a worker you are.. no one is indispensable... ...