Sometime ago, PS penned a really melancholic entry on her blog. It brought back lots of memories, especially those back in sec schools. I actually went to dig out this little book of mine that contained the lyrics to the chinese pop of yesteryear. I'm feeling melancholic again tonight, after a dinner with my peer group.
2 of my peers are leaving for OZ come end June. They'll be gone for 2 years, doing the CA program over there. Our mentor is leaving for London to further his career too. I was surprised at my own action of organising this dinner gathering. But I really feel a lost at them leaving. I'm so going to miss them all. My mentor had lent a good listening ear and also provided me with sound advice all this while. One of my peers, I already knew her back in college. She never fails to crack us up with her 欠便问答题. Her wit and humor... there's no one else like her. As the night wore on, I felt a tinge of sadness. The camaraderie that we share, I don't know if I can find that anywhere else. There is no other job around where you have a large cohort of colleagues who're your age and fellow frens from college. The kind of comfortable feeling one gets in this kind of environment is just great. I know this is going to be the greatest thing I miss should I choose to leave.
Why do I have a choice to leave? I had just gone for another interview earlier on in the morn, a really long one. In the evening, I was contacted and verbally offered the position. I was shocked! I hadn't expected that I would be hearing from them, let alone hear from them on the same day! I was hoping they would only get back to me sometime next week, which leaves me some time to think through what my interviewer had told me. But they're really efficient. The pace of events for the day has simply been too fast for me. I finally got the chance to try something that I would really like to try. But I'm afraid - fear of the unknown. I'm afraid of office politics, I'm afraid that at the end of the day, it’s not the job I'm looking for, I'm afraid that I can't measure up in the organization and most importantly, the fear of failing and not knowing what next. I’m worrying too much, giving myself unnecessary stress even before I start. But its perhaps I’ve always set very high yet unachievable goals for myself.
It’s a do or die thing out there. Nowhere else can offer me as sheltered a career path (for at least the 1st 5 yrs) as the firm I am with right now. Then why choose to leave, one might ask. I want to try out something which I have an interest in. But I don’t know if it’s really what I want to do and the only way to find out is to try. Of course, another part of me is telling myself to stay put, not take up this opportunity. This 2nd option would allow me to lead a stable and comfortable life from here on. But I guess being young, the urge to trudge forward, to yearn to be successful, to want to try out new things is very great. As it is, since I’m young, without the burden and responsibility towards my family, I can afford to choose the 1st option. I don’t have that much to loose at the end of the day and the opportunity costs is still minimal at this point in time.
I find that life always brings about loads of ironies. Or is it just me? When I couldn’t find a job for a long while, I was completely demoralized. It didn’t help that I was getting increasingly tired at my current employment. Then, this opportunity came along. Part of the job scope, analysis, is what I would like to do, while another part of it, PR, is something which I am most afraid of. Also, the remuneration is a little below expected. I’m not particular concerned with the pay at the moment but it would matter a lot in time to come. By right, I should just jump upon this opportunity without any hesitation, but I did the complete opposite. I wonder why I’m always like this. When I don’t get something, I fret, when I get something, I fret as well. I ended up being a ‘pest’ yet again, trying hard to find people to squeeze in a little time just to give me some advice. Its always difficult to move out of one's comfort zone I guess. Despite wanting very much to try something which I think I would like, the comfort I get staying status quo is very precious to me too. I'll really really miss it.
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